


When Gravity Goes Up

by 7ate9



Category: Love Victor (TV 2020)
Genre: :(((((, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Benji needs to get his shit together, Canon Divergence, Found Family, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Kinda?, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, a lot of a-holes :(, like so many, like yeah, mostly post season 1, sad victor, slowburn, slowburn?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:33:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 28,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26427181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/7ate9/pseuds/7ate9
Summary: What if, the night of the dance, Benji doesn’t come after him? What if they never kiss on the bench?What if it’s all undone?
Relationships: Benjamin "Benji" Campbell & Victor Salazar, Benjamin "Benji" Campbell/Victor Salazar, Bram Greenfeld/Simon Spier, Lake Meriwether/Felix Weston, Mia Brooks/Andrew Spencer
Comments: 235
Kudos: 136





	1. G-U-I-L-T

**Author's Note:**

> I am so upset with this fandom that when you type in Bram's or Simon's name THEIR SHIP DOESN'T COME UP????? RUDE
> 
> I know I said I was gonna be uploading a different fic but I like this one better right now so actually this one
> 
> Anyway NEW WORK!!!!!! Isn't that exciting??? This will be uploaded much slower bc school but still

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well here we are

There were five letters in the word “guilt” and there were five main things Victor was guilty for.

Grieving the loss of Benji and any potential future relationship, whether friendly or romantic, they could’ve had.

Utter humiliation, both of kissing Benji and potentially ruining his and Derek’s relationship, and of cheating on Mia.

Instead of trying to put his family back together, he was letting it fall apart.

Letting Mia stay inside and wonder where he was, what he was doing, if he had abandoned her. He wondered if he had. Maybe, just maybe, he should go find her. It seemed like too much effort.

The complete and total pain of realizing his life was a sham as he lived, sat there on the bench. 

What was worst, though, worse than the pain and guilt and fear coursing through him, worse than all the bad he had done, was that he was sitting there, on the bench in a tux, sorry for himself. Victor Salazar cheated on his girlfriend, was responsible for the shambles his family was currently in, possibly—probably, who was he kidding?—ended another relationship, and he was feeling sorry for himself. He put himself in this situation with his stupid kiss, his stupid actions, a mistake one after the other, and he had the audacity to feel sorry for himself? 

The sickening realization turned his stomach. How was he this terrible of a human being? How did he let himself hurt so many people? 

The door behind him opened, but he ignored it. No use checking which happy couple came out to leave early and go get pregnant with a Spring Fling baby. It wasn’t like they’d pay him any mind. 

But the door opened and closed without another sound. No happy laughter or excited jabbering. No stumbling, nervous steps as they progressed to their car. No kissing or too much touching. 

There was the light sound of heels clicking on the pavement, and Victor glanced over his shoulder at Mia. She looked worried, yet relieved. Despite the tenseness around her eyes, she smiled at him. 

It hit Victor directly in the chest. He didn’t deserve that smile. Because while Mia was there, relieved to see her boyfriend, he was missing Benji inside. 

“Victor,” she said with a little laugh, “I was starting to think you might have forgotten about me.”

Victor shook his head, forcing a smile like ice on his face. Salt in the wound. “No, I would never. I’ve just been stressed recently. Needed a breath,” he managed. 

She nodded and gestured inside. “Well, come on. We can leave early if you want, but I want to see who wins prom king and queen.”

With extreme effort, Victor got to his feet and followed her inside where everyone was pushing toward the stage, waiting for the announcement. Victor’s insides trembled with the idea of possibly dancing with Mia in front of everyone when he knew it wasn’t genuine. 

She gripped his hand tight, and he repressed a deep sigh. This wasn’t right. He was supposed to be holding hands with a boy, he was supposed to be holding hands with _Benji_ , but here he was, living a lie on top of a lie on top of another lie. 

“And this year’s Spring Fling king and queen are,” the girl said, her voice excited, “Mia Brooks and Victor Salazar!”

Mia’s face lit up. Victor’s stomach soured as she led him on stage and the two looked out at the crowd. He thought he might throw up on the spectators. 

Someone placed a crown on his head, and he could see Felix in the crowd clapping for him. Andrew was leaning against the back wall, staring at them with a brow raised. He knew the truth. He knew this was a lie. 

Benji and Derek were gone. 

Victor faked a smile despite the pain that shot through his chest with the realization. He’d ruined their night, ruined a lot of people’s night, but he’d be damned if he ruined Mia’s, too, so he put on a smile and turned to her. She looked so proud of them both. He wanted to cry. 

Everyone stared at them as they danced, and Victor tried his best not to look at any of them or their cameras. He held Mia to his chest and made one more last-ditch attempt at loving her like he was supposed to, at having feelings for a girl, this girl right here. This girl in his arms, with her head on his shoulder. This girl who loved him. He tried his best to long for a life with her, two-point-five kids and a dog, Benji and the night in the motel room and all the gazing in Brasstown, all the yearning for him a dark, distant memory, nothing more than a mistake, a blemish on his otherwise perfect heterosexuality. He tried and he tried and he tried. 

It didn’t work. 

People clapped for them when the song ended, and Mia kissed his cheek, and Victor didn’t want any of it. He was living a lie. 

They sat down at their table, and Victor immediately took off his crown and turned to Mia. “I’m really not feeling good. Would you be okay with leaving now?” He asked, biting his lip in shame. Here he was, doing the one thing he’d promised himself he wouldn’t do: he was ruining Mia’s Spring Fling. 

She nodded, though, not seeming upset at all. She smiled at him again, this time something private and soft. “Yeah, of course. I know everything’s been hard with your family and all.”

Victor sighed, relieved, and told her to stay there while he searched for Pilar. 

His sister wasn’t hard to find; she stood at the wall, glaring at everyone, arms folded. 

“Come on, Pilar,” he called. “Let’s go home.”

She glared at him, but followed silently. Mia had already called them an Uber, so they waited outside until the driver came. The three sat in the backseat in silence, Pilar stewing as she glared at her lap, Mia gazing out the window. The driver had no music on, so the car was so very awkward. 

They dropped Mia off first, and Victor kissed her goodnight, no matter how fake it felt. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he promised out loud, while he promised himself that he’d tell her the truth. Tomorrow. Just twenty-four more hours, then he’d finally be free. 

Finally, there was distance between Victor and Pilar, though she didn’t seem to lose any tension in her shoulders. Victor thought he had resigned himself to an extremely awkward twenty-minute car ride when Pilar turned to him, tears bright in her eyes. 

“You know, Victor, I didn’t think you were like that,” she said. 

Victor forced himself to meet her eye. “Pilar, it’s more complicated than you think.”

“No,” she said, her voice thick with emotion, “it’s not. You cheated. You knew everything that was going on, and you still cheated.”

“Pilar,” Victor stressed quietly, eyeing the driver, “I know. Okay? I’m going to fix it.”

“How?” She asked, her voice cracking. “How could you ever redeem yourself now?”

Victor winced. “Pilar—“

“You were supposed to be good!” She cried. “I was supposed to be able to depend on you! We all were! And now what?”

“Now?” Victor asked quietly. “Now I’m… I’m who I’ve always been.”

“A cheater.” She said, matter-of-fact.

“Not straight,” Victor amended. It took force, and it was the first time he said it out loud, and it felt nearly impossible, but he needed Pilar to understand this. He needed her to understand how hard this had been, how impossible every day was up until right this moment. “I’m gay, Pilar. I always have been.”

She shook her head. “And you’re still a shit person. You broke Mia’s trust, our family’s trust, Benji’s trust,” she folded her arms, glancing out the window, and added softly, “my trust.”

Victor cleared his throat, blinking rapidly. Unforgivably, he thought he might cry. “Pilar, I didn’t do anything to you. You understand that, right?”

She stared at him with disdain. “You changed too much, Victor.” 

The words hit him like a slap in the face and he fell back against the door. The car rolled to a stop in front of their building, and Pilar shoved her door open, slamming it before she stalked inside. Victor watched her go, trying desperately to blink his tears back. He needed to get to her. He needed her to understand. But everything hurt. Benji had broken his heart and he was living a lie and Pilar hated him and he was gay. He was so, very, extremely queer, and he wanted nothing more than to change it. He hated himself so much. Maybe a few days ago he’d thought it was okay, but it wasn’t. He was a false portrait of a person, Oscar Wilde’s painting getting uglier and uglier with each day Dorian grew older, the heart in the floorboards beat-beat-beating in his ears like mad. 

Pilar slammed the front door behind her. 

Silence, and then, “You know, I may not exactly know what you’re going through, but I had a similar mess when I came out.” 

Victor snapped his eyes up to the driver’s looking back at him through the rear-view mirror. He had a kind smile, like he knew exactly what Victor needed. He knew exactly what was wrong, and he knew how to soothe it just so. 

“Things will be okay,” the driver said softly, “it’ll work out. And it’s good to be who you are. Just remember that.”

Victor stared at him for a moment, his soft brown eyes in the mirror, before he nodded, mumbled his thanks, and left the car. Mia had paid for the drive, which Victor felt terrible about once he recalled, so Victor turned his back to the car and followed Pilar’s trail of teenage angst all the way inside. 

When Victor slouched inside, he found his parents and Pilar sitting on the couch, all turning to look at him once they heard the door. His parents looked apprehensive, but Pilar just looked furious all over again.

For one terrible, horrifying moment, Victor thought Pilar might have told their parents what he’d done. For one terrible, horrifying moment, he thought his little sister might have just outed him to their possibly homophobic parents. For one terrible, horrifying moment, Victor thought the worst thing he could’ve possibly dreamt up was about to happen.

But Isabel and Armando Salazar looked remorseful, and incredibly apprehensive, and there was no yelling. There was no anger. But there was so, so much sadness in both of their faces.

“Come sit down, flaco,” Armando said softly, “we have something to tell you and Pilar.”

Victor tuned out for a moment. Nothing could be any worse than things already were. Pilar hadn’t outed him, so he allowed himself to take a moment to breathe. Something was still intact.

“So,” Armando said as Victor tuned back in, “your mother and I think it’s best for us and our family to take a break.” He was choking back tears as he spoke, and Isabel ran a careful hand down his arm, her eyes watering as well. “Not forever,” Armando continued, “just for a little while.”

Pilar looked silently outraged. Victor stared at his parents, thankful Adrian was fast asleep in the other room. Everyone seemed lost. Everyone seemed scared, apprehensive.

G is for grief, total and complete, incomprehensible pain.

U is uncut, ties severed with one pair of blades, rusty and infectious, never to be put back together.

I is for insolence, words and words and words tearing everyone apart.

L is for lost, lost in the woods, lost in the words, lost in the world.

T is for total. Complete, total grief, heartache, guilt.

Everyone seemed so very guilty.

Victor got to his feet. “I’m gonna go change.” 

No one stopped him as he left. The room behind him was entirely devoid of noise, a black hole, soundless, sightless, swallowing up every bit of color and light the universe could offer.

Once in his room, he pulled out his phone and typed a quick message:

**Hey, Simon,**

**Today sucked. Pilar found out about me and Benji and she’s pissed about the whole cheating thing. I think she might be upset about the whole gay thing, too, which is terrifying.**

**Also, Benji officially hates my guts now. He said “I forgive you but we can’t be friends” or whatever which I think is code for “I don’t forgive you for kissing me” and also he and his bf might have broken up because of me …… yay……….**

**And my parents are separating. So that’s also fun. Yeah, they decided to tell us right after we got home from the dance, which seems like a pretty bad time to tell us that, but I’m not my parents, so……**

**But despite every shitty thing happening, I still plan on telling Mia tomorrow. She deserves to know. Everything.**

**I guess tonight there won’t be much sleeping going on so if you guys want to talk or something I’m very much down for that.**

**Love you guys. Wish I were in NYC and not here dealing with this shit.**

**-Vic**

He changed slowly, his hands shaking with everything swirling around his mind. There was a twister, and Victor desperately wished he could make like Dorothy and fly somewhere far, far away from his problems, but he was not Dorothy, this was not the sixties, and there was actually not very bad weather. So, he was sort of fucked.

Simon had messaged him back at some point while he was changing, so he opened up the chat and got comfortable.

**Victor,**

**I wish you were in NYC with us, too. We miss you tons. Our hearts hurt hearing everything happening, and I can’t imagine how anxious you must feel about tomorrow, but telling Mia will be good. If she cares about you as much as she says she does, she’ll understand. And if she doesn’t, maybe you need someone better.**

**About Benji, I really wish things were better with him, too, but you have to understand that you did hurt him. I know you didn’t mean to, and I know it hurts, too, but he does have the right. The way he said it, though, kinda asshole-y if you ask me, but I guess it makes sense. Maybe you can find a way forward. Well, I know you can. You’re awesome like that.**

**And your sister, wow, Victor. I really hope she’s not mad at you about being gay. That’s really not cool, which is definitely an understatement, but I’m really hoping for the best for you. It’s a lot of shit going on.**

**Speaking of that, re: your parents, I’m so sorry to hear that, Victor, but judging by what you’ve told us, it sounds like the healthiest decision. Plus, it could make it easier to come out to them if that’s still on the table right now. Also, splitting could be temporary. You don’t know.**

**We love and miss you so much, Victor. If you want to talk, we’re all up for it.**

**Here’s my #**

**-Simon and everyone else**

True to his word, Simon attached a number with a Georgia area code (for some reason, this surprised Victor even though he knew Simon was still technically a Georgia resident). Victor stared at the ten digits, very much debating whether he should hit call.

Eventually, he just decided fuck it and dialed his number, listening to the tone.

Everyone shouted a hello once Simon picked up, and as tired as it was, he could tell they were beyond enthusiastic to talk to him. Victor found peace within him at the meshed sounds of their voices, five beautiful angels coming to off-key sing him home.

“Hey,” he said back softly once the noise died down.

“Victor we miss you!” Justin shouted.

“Yes!” Kim added, screaming at the top of their lungs. “We miss you like crazy, baby!”

Victor sighed. “I miss you guys, too.”

“You wanna talk to us, Vic?” Bram asked, his voice calm and closer to the phone. “Whatever it is, you can tell us, of course.”

Victor held his breath as he weighed his options. Here were his friends, his family, some of the best people he’d ever met, and he could spill his heart out to them right now without any fear of judgement. He let the breath go in a big huff and started, “Well, everything sucks, first off.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill, pls comment and love me uwu


	2. Oh, to be a Rock in the Cement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> big oof

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> she's short but she's still valid
> 
> *
> 
> y'all,,,,, idek. just,,,,,, pls comment it makes my day so happy

Victor’s hands had been shaking all morning. 

He called Mia early, asking to talk to her about something important. She’d huffed a nervous laugh and agreed, naming the art exhibit they’d visited on their first date, claiming she felt nostalgic. Victor tried his best to laugh with her and agreed to meet her there. 

He walked slowly, anxiously wringing his hands around. There was no way this would go well, and he had never been so nervous in his life for anything, ever. 

When Victor got to the currently closed exhibit hall, which was displaying a new set of artwork (something called the Art of the Body, which Victor didn’t really want to know the contents of after last time), he sat on the steps, messing around on his phone. Mia texted that she’d be a few minutes late, which Victor just replied to with a quick thumbs up, and Simon texted a good luck message with a heart. Victor tried to smile at the kindness, but he could only muster a slight grimace. 

While he waited, the ball of nerves in his chest was threatening to turn into a full-fledged panic attack. He hadn’t exactly properly come out to anyone yet, and this would probably be one of the hardest things he’d ever do. 

He thought of Mia, the way he felt for her, or the way he tried to feel for her. He thought of how much he liked her hair and her smile, how nice it was to make her laugh. He thought of why he liked to kiss her—her blue raspberry lip gloss. 

That was the only reason he liked to kiss her. 

He had to do this. 

Mia arrived some time later with a small backpack, her hair in two buns on the top of her head, smiling at him as she approached. 

“Hey,” she said, dropping her bag beside her, “sorry I’m late.” 

“It’s fine,” Victor said, studying her carefully. He thought of the way he felt for Benji, butterflies and tidal waves and graffiti marks on the wall. He tried to connect those feelings with Mia, the way he felt when he looked in Benji’s eyes to Mia’s, when Benji smiled at him to Mia, when Benji touched him to Mia. He tried to feel the way he needed to feel for her; all he got was an empty void. 

“Mia,” he took a deep breath and looked at her, “I…” He glanced away at the pavement, eyeing the rocks set into the ground, forever still, forever unmoving, stuck in cement for all of time. 

“What’s wrong, Victor?” Mia asked with a nervous laugh. “You’re scaring me.”

Victor cleared his throat, desperately willing his tears away. The beginning of a headache was pulsing at the inner corners of his eyes. “I know.” He sighed and forced himself to meet her eye. “Mia, I have been thinking for a really long time and… Mia…” He took a shaky breath. He just had to breathe, just had to focus on breathing, just had to remember to breathe. If he breathed then he was alive and if he was alive then everything would be okay. One at a time, things would fall into place. “I’m gay.”

Mia stared at him blankly. And then, she laughed. “I thought you were serious for a second, Victor.”

Victor watched her laugh, dangerously close to letting his tears spill over. It took a moment, but she stopped laughing. 

“You’re serious,” she said. “You’re actually serious.”

Victor bit his lip, averting his gaze. The rocks in the pavement, stuck for eternity. 

“I can’t believe this.” Mia laughed again, though there was no humor in it. “I cannot believe this!”

“Mia,” he breathed, desperate, “I’m sorry. I really am, I really didn’t think I was. I really liked you, I—“

“Stop talking.” She stood, putting space between the two of them. “I can’t believe I actually trusted you.”

Victor sobbed, unable to hold it back. “Mia, please. I love you, you’re my favorite person in the world,” he said, voice a plea, but he stopped when Mia shook her head. “I really am sorry.”

She glared at him, eyes bright with tears. “I’m such an idiot.”

“No, you’re not, Mia,” Victor stood up, reaching for her, but he stopped when she flinched. “Mia, please, I didn’t even know. I wasn’t ever sure. But I really did like you, but it wasn’t… not like that.”

She pressed her hands to her forehead, sobbing. Victor’s heart broke even more than it already had. He could feel the little fragments of it tumbling from his hands, slipping between his fingers, smashing on the rocks in the pavement. 

When she looked back at him, it was like watching porcelain shatter on the floor. Little bits of glass spewed every which way, cutting him a thousand times over. 

“You lied to me.” She started pacing back and forth, angrily stalking back and forth. “This whole time you’ve been lying to me, you’ve done _nothing_ but lie to me!” 

“That’s not true,” Victor argued. Passersby gave them strange looks, sympathetic and worried to Mia, scornful to Victor. He wished people would mind their damn business. He ignored them and trudged on desperately, “Mia I swear I never lied. I was… confused. And scared. And I tried so hard to love you.” He grabbed her arm, pulling her to a stop. She stared at his chest, heartache plain on her face. “I tried with every cell in my body to love you. I prayed every night to love you. I did nothing but try to love you. But, I couldn’t.” He stared at his hand wrapped loosely around her wrist, felt the pulse beating rapidly beneath her skin. “I wanted so badly to love you the way I’m supposed to. But I can’t help what I am.”

“What you are,” Mia said slowly, taking her arm from his grasp, “is a liar.”

Victor stumbled back, her words hitting him in the face, battering him from every which way they could come. 

“You’ve lied to me this whole time,” she whispered, incredulous. “I can’t believe I actually believed you.” 

“Mia please,” Victor pleaded through a new onset of tears. “I can’t lose you, not like this.”

She looked up at him, shocked and angry. “Why are you acting like a victim here?” She shouted. “As if you’re the one who just got dumped!”

“Mia, I didn’t ask for this either!” He cried, voice cracking. “I tried so hard for so long to be different! And to be better! But I can’t!”

She shook her head. “So, what, you’re gay now?”

“I’ve always been gay,” Victor amended. “I just know it now.”

She dropped onto the exhibit steps, tucking her hands between her knees. “You actually managed to make me believe you cared about me.”

Victor very carefully sat beside her, putting a large distance between them. “I care about you. I always have. I always will. I love you, Mia. But… as a friend. Not… a girlfriend. Because I’m gay.” She didn’t answer, and Victor allowed the silence to sit between them as she took in the bomb he’d just dropped. He knew he wasn’t done yet, and he most certainly needed to tell her this part no matter how much he’d rather eat a nice hot bowl of lava. “Mia, there’s something else.”

She turned to him. “What else could there be?”

He bit down hard on his lip, forcing the words up, out of his belly, up his throat, and out of his mouth. “I kissed Benji. The night we were in Willacoochee.”

Mia stared at him for a moment, her face blank. Then, she grabbed her bag and slung it over her shoulder, standing. “Goodbye, Victor,” she said matter-of-factly, then walked away.

Victor sat on the steps leading up to the Art of the Body, and he stared at the rocks in the cement, and he let the sun slide over the sky as the day went from morning to afternoon, all the way to the night.

***

“So, what exactly happened while I was pining over Lake at the dance?” Felix asked as he sat down. 

Victor glanced up at him, then at the girls sitting a few tables away with Kieran and Andrew, then at Benji brooding with the girls he regularly sat with, and he sighed. “Honestly? I’m not even sure.”

Felix nodded. “Noted. Can I have a rundown of the events?”

Victor sighed again and explained briefly what happened between everybody each way. He explained Pilar and Mia and Benji and his parents, and he went on a little rant about how miserable he was, and Felix sat in silence as he vented.

“So, basically everything sucks?”

Victor sighed and took a swig of his Gatorade. “Yeah. Basically everything sucks.”

Felix nodded to himself. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, Lake and Kieran are officially a couple.”

Victor groaned. He was so very selfish. “Shit, I’m sorry, man, that sucks.”

Felix shrugged. “It’s fine. We never would’ve worked. She didn’t like me the way I liked her. I’ve made my peace with that. I just hope she and Kieran are happy.”

Victor nodded. “Me too. And, of course, Benji and Derek.” He bit his lip. “And Mia and Andrew.”

Felix nodded, too. “So, everything sucks?”

“Yeah,” Victor took another sip of Gatorade, making eye contact with Mia right as he put the bottle back down. “Everything sucks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls give me love and comments pls I love chatting with y'all I love your feedback pls and thank


	3. Sister, Father, Mother, Brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was hard to write

Working a sad shift at Brasstown alone did not get any easier, even the fourth one in.

Benji was gone, and he was never coming back, and it was all Victor’s fault. Mia hated his guts, and it was all Victor’s fault. Everything was fucking awful.

It seemed things wouldn’t get better when Victor finally made it home after a grueling shift behind the Brasstown counter getting screamed at by hipsters. 

His parents were sitting on the couch, Pilar at the table looking like the cat that caught the canary. Victor hated that expression on her face. Last time she looked like that, absolutely nothing good happened. 

“Victor,” Isabel said softly, “we want to talk to you.”

Victor shut the door behind him and sat with them on the couch. Isabel, who was closer to Victor, shifted to put more space between them. 

His stomach dropped. His mother would never have wanted to put distance between herself and any of her children. “Mom?” He ventured after some silence, “What’s wrong?”

Armando glanced between Isabel and Pilar, then back at Victor. “Well, Pilar told us something… interesting today. While you were at work.”

Victor’s jaw got tight and his vision tunneled. His salivary glands started aching as if he was going to vomit. He knew exactly where this was going. “Oh?”

Armando nodded uneasily. “She said, well… she said you left Mia for another man.”

Victor’s stomach lurched, and he fought desperately to keep his lunch down. He hadn’t eaten dinner yet, but he could feel the leftover contents of his lunch and mid-shift snack rolling uncomfortably in his stomach, threatening to come back up for a sequel. “I… see…” 

Armando and Isabel exchanged a look, something dark and uncomfortable and absolutely terrifying. 

“Well?” Armando asked. “Aren’t you going to say something?”

Victor looked between his parents and Pilar, who looked much less satisfied with the outcome of her words. She looked terrified. Well, that made two of them. 

“I… I swear, nothing happened. I did not leave Mia for a man.” Victor stressed, even if that wasn’t completely true. 

Armando and Isabel shared another unhappy look. “Victor,” his mother said, “you know you can tell us anything, don’t you? We love you so much, mi amor, and we want to help you.”

Victor shook his head, trying desperately not to vomit. “There’s nothing to tell.”

Armando seemed frustrated. “Victor, you’re not helping anyone like this, just tell us the truth.”

Victor’s throat was starting to close up, and his hands were trembling something fierce, big and obvious. He wondered if he’d have a seizure. “I swear, Papi, I did not leave Mia for a man. We just… fizzled out, I guess.”

“But _why_?” Armando pushed, “You know you can tell us the truth.”

The trembling was in his arms now, shudders going up and down from his fingertips to his shoulders. “Papi, it’s more complicated than you think.”

“No!” Armando said, his voice almost a shout, making Victor flinch. “It’s not! Just tell us the damn truth!”

Victor’s whole body was shaking now. He could barely see past the nerves blurring his vision, could barely sit upright with how lightheaded he’d become. “Papi, please—“

“Stop!” Armando shouted. “Don’t call me that until you tell us the damn truth!”

Armando had beaten his boss. Armando had beaten his boss. _Armando had beaten his boss_. 

“Dad, you’re scaring me!” Victor screamed back. He wished he were back at Brasstown, trudging through a pathetic Benji-less shift, or with Mia staring at the rocks in the cement, or at the Spring Fling listening to Benji walk out of his life forever. 

Armando took a deep, slow breath, and when he spoke again, his voice was low, but no less menacing. “Tell me what made you two break up. We won’t be mad. No matter what the reason, we won’t be mad.”

_We won’t be mad._

Victor bit into his lip, pulling in breath after breath, but he couldn’t tell for the life of him if he was breathing out. 

“I, um…” breathe in, but did he breathe out? “I’m gay.”

Armando and Isabel let out one big breath. It felt like they were pulling the air directly from Victor’s lungs. 

“I see,” Armando said slowly. “So, what do you want to do about that?”

Victor looked between them both, lost. “What do you mean?”

“Well, we’ve been on the phone with some people,” Armando said, “and they know of some really good programs we can get you into. Some… correction programs.”

Victor blanched. “Like conversion therapy?”

Isabel jumped in, “Well, yes and no. It’s a correction therapy. So we can figure out what’s wrong and we can fix it.”

Victor shook his head rapidly, dangerously close to tears. “No. No, I don’t want to change. I’m _happy_.”

“Victor, that’s the Devil’s influence talking,” Armando said.

“No, it’s not, it’s normal. It’s perfectly normal.” Victor squeezed his eyes shut tight against the concerned faces of his parents. “Every single animal in nature has homosexual tendencies.”

“Those are animals,” Armando said, “we are people. It’s not right for people.”

Victor shook his head, waves of vertigo pushing him sideways. “No. That’s what you think, but you’re wrong.” He pushed himself up, off the couch. “You’re wrong,” he muttered again, but it was more for himself than anything else. 

It was with extreme effort that he put one foot in front of the other, traveling with emphasis toward his bedroom door. Each step felt like slamming down a brick, closing another door on his family, his friends, his life as he knew it. But he had to keep going. He had to keep going forward. 

Finally, his bedroom door was closed behind him, and he was alone. 

His whole body shook with tension and fear, he could barely see through the blur of tears and nerves, could barely stand with the oxygen in his head, filling his pores with a sour feeling of vertigo. He wasn’t sure if he was going to cry, throw up, or pass out, but he was pretty sure the day wouldn’t end without at least one thing happening. 

He lurched awkwardly toward his bed and fell into it, trembling all over. He couldn’t stop shaking. Was he cold or just afraid? 

There was a soft knock at the door, and Pilar came in, the door clicking shut behind her. 

They stared at each other for a moment, and Victor considered kicking her out of his room. It wasn’t like she didn’t deserve the cold shoulder just as much as he did. 

Finally, she spoke. “Victor… I’m sorry. I didn’t know they would react like that.”

Victor didn’t move at first, just stared at her, lost. She didn’t know their middle-aged religious parents would react negatively toward their son being gay? After everything, she didn’t think about how they would react? _Seriously? That was her defense?_

“That’s the thing, Pilar,” Victor said weakly, dropping his head back on his pillow so he didn’t have to look at her. “You never think. Ever. You just act and you never think about the consequences. You never think about how it’ll affect other people. You just act. And you always escape the backlash. But other people never do. Abuela yelling at Mom at the party. Benji and Derek possibly breaking up. Mom and Dad separating with an even more strained relationship than before. And now, me. This.” He turned his head to look at her, his voice sad as he spoke next. “You don’t think, and you hurt people, but you don’t care. And I’m done with it.” He pushed himself up, through the ache and exhaustion, so he was sitting. “This was too far, Pilar. Do you realize what you’ve done to me?”

He looked up at her, startled to see she was crying. 

“Victor, I didn’t mean—“

“It doesn’t matter. You’ve ruined my life. Do you understand that?” 

He was so tired, so empty. She glanced away, wiping her tears away, anxiously bouncing her leg. “I didn’t mean to.”

“It doesn’t matter, Pilar.” Victor said, his voice devoid of emotion. “I want you to leave. Right now. Please.”

She watched him, and he watched her right back, until she turned around, and walked out the door without another word. 

Victor pulled out his phone and texted both Felix and Simon the events of the night. He was trying his best to hold back tears, but by the time he finished, he was a teary, snotty mess, sobbing as quietly as he could. 

He cried himself to sleep that night without a text back from either boy, his dreams haunted by a God and pastor and a Devil, but at this point, Victor couldn’t really tell the difference between the three. Was there even a difference anymore?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls leave comments and love? 🥺
> 
> Love you guys


	4. Take Me Home

God was cruel, a pastor was evil, the Devil was sympathetic. 

When Victor woke that morning, his phone was devoid of messages from both Felix and Simon, both a gentle reprieve and a harsh torture. He massaged away the telltale signs of an oncoming migraine, and forced himself out of bed. As he got dressed, he could hear his mother and father bickering quietly in the kitchen. He figured it was about him. 

He threw on a pair of sweatpants, a soft shirt that reminded him of Benji, and Simon’s jacket. He was not in the mood for fashion today, and there was no way he would put in an effort when no one would care. This was the worst week of his life, and he would damn well act like it. 

Felix met him outside his apartment at his usual 6:45, bouncing on the balls of his feet. He looked much too happy to have read Victor’s messages last night. 

“Victor, you will never believe what happened last night!” Felix said loudly, aggravating the beginnings of Victor’s migraine. 

Victor rubbed his temple as he followed Felix outside. “Tell me.”

“Lake and I hooked up!” Felix said, completely oblivious to Victor’s inner turmoil. “She wants to get back together! Can you believe it?”

Victo did his best to smile. “That’s great, man, I’m happy for you.”

Felix nodded, but when he looked at Victor next, his smile faded. “Victor, are you okay? You seem a little… off.”

He couldn’t ruin Felix’s good mood. He just couldn’t. No use in them both being miserable. He nodded. “Just a headache.”

Felix frowned. “You want me to massage your neck?”

“No,” Victor said, voice firm. “It’s fine.”

Felix’s frown deepened. “Okay. Well, if you want any pressure point tips, I’m your man.”

Victor nodded. “Okay. Well, can we just… be quiet for a while? Just until it goes away?”

Felix’s frown melted into a full face of concern. “Of course. Anything.”

Victor gave him a small, grateful smile, even as he felt even worse. His life was in shambles, but he still had his best friend. He didn’t even deserve him. 

***

Felix dropped beside Victor with a huff, making him startle. He’d thought Felix would be sitting with Lake. Why was he here?

“Hey, Felix,” Victor said softly, “what’s up? Why are you here and not with Lake?”

Felix looked up at Victor, his brows furrowed and eyes wide with offense. “I would never leave my best buddy all alone! And besides,” he slouched and picked at his lunch, “she said it’s best if for now we aren’t seen together. Just until she tells her mom about us.”

Victor blinked at him, then glanced over at Lake. She looked sad, picking through her fettuccine Alfredo, her head rested miserably on her fist. 

“Felix, what about what you want? Wasn’t this the exact reason you broke it off with her?” 

Felix shrugged and shoved a forkful of noodles into his mouth. “I mean, yeah, but she’s special.”

“She’s making you change so that you benefit her and not you,” Victor stressed. He glanced over at Benji, who was talking animatedly with the girls at his table, his eyes bright as he rambled about whatever topic he was on now. Victor knew he was unhappy with Derek. He knew Derek was making Benji feel bad about himself. But he also knew that he couldn’t do anything about it. He wasn’t Benji’s friend anymore, and he couldn’t change his mind no matter how much he wanted to. 

Felix followed Victor’s gaze to Benji, his eyes sad. “You miss him, don’t you?”

Victor shrugged and picked up his sandwich, but he put it down as his stomach soured at the idea of eating. “I mean, I broke his trust. I hurt him. It’s on me, you know?” He shook his head as if clearing his thoughts of Benji altogether. “Anyway, we’re talking about you, here, not me. Is she really worth you giving up what you want?”

Felix glanced at Benji one more time, then at Lake. He kept watching her as he said, “I think I love her.”

Victor rolled his eyes. “Felix, we already knew that—“

“No,” Felix said softly, then turned back to Victor, serious. “I love her. For real.”

Victor stared at him. Felix was pure, untouched by the pathetically disgusting world which had tried to tear him down. He still believed in love. He still had someone to love. 

“You really mean that?” Victor said softly. “You love her?”

Felix nodded, his eyes full of hope. “I do. And I’m willing to wait as long as she’ll put in the effort.” 

Victor chewed his lip. He couldn’t let Lake hurt Felix. He couldn’t let her damage him. He couldn’t let anything hurt him. “But, how do you know? How do you know she will?”

Felix shrugged and twirled his fork in his pasta. “I trust her.” He paused, thinking. “And besides, I’ll have to see her tonight to talk to her about it. I left my phone at her place last night.”

“Oh,” Victor said, and forced himself to take a bite of his sandwich. It felt like chewing spoiled milk, disgusting and very much vomit-inducing. “Well, I hope everything works out.”

The smile this earned was worth the stars. Felix and his puppy dog eyes… “Thanks, man,” Felix said. “I hope things work out for you, too.”

Victor tried to smile, tried to offer some kind of hope, but he knew none. He didn’t have a single idea of how to be optimistic about this, about anything. But he needed Felix to be good. Felix needed to be happy. Always. Always happy.

“Thanks,” he said, choking back tears. “Thanks.”

***

The apartment didn’t look different, but it felt different. 

Armando picked up his last bag and turned to his family. Adrian was crying in Isabel’s lap. The poor kid didn’t understand. Armando dropped the bag and made his way over to the little boy, kneeling down to talk to him.

“Hey, flaco,” he said softly, his eyes warm. Victor remembered when he looked at him like that. “I know this isn’t the best, but it’ll be okay. I’ll be right downstairs. You can visit me whenever you want, yeah?”

Adrian nodded and wiped his tears onto his sleeve. “Okay.”

Armando gave him a pursed-lipped smile and ran a hand over his head. He nodded to Pilar as he stood, and very carefully did not look at either Isabel or Victor. Of course. Because Victor was a disgrace. He was controlled by the Devil, and whatnot.

The four watched him walk out the door, down to the manager’s suit on ground level. Isabel kept blinking away tears, Pilar seemed pissed, and Adrian was crying like their father was dead. But Victor didn’t care. He couldn’t care. How did he care when there was nothing good anywhere else?

Isabel wiped her face and set Adrian aside. “I’m gonna get started on dinner, okay? Mac and cheese tonight.”

Victor nodded as if it mattered. He didn’t eat with his family anymore. The dining room felt like a cage, a prison, a torture chamber, and his place at the table felt forced at best. They kept the chair open because to do anything else would be admitting there was something wrong, and they would never openly admit that. Instead, they pretended that Victor would eat with them, like they were a family, and they didn’t mind when he said he was going to eat in his room. Homework, he’d say. No one would argue. They didn’t want to argue.

The same happened tonight, except this time there was no disapproving look from Armando. Armando’s chair was empty, too. Armando had been kicked out of the family, too.

His room was so silent, oppressive. His phone buzzed with a text from Simon, a feeling of fuzz inside his skull like a resounding bass note in a cathedral. 

**Victor,**

**I am so so sorry. Fuck. I am so sorry.**

Victor threw his phone on his bed with an unnecessary force. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Simon could take his sorry and shove it up his ass.

Everyone could take their everything and shove it up their ass. 

Pile everything on top of everything. Make a black hole. 

Swallow Victor up. Never let him see the light of day again.

Never let him see his family’s disappointment again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> give me attention no one will give me attention give! me! attention!!!!!!!


	5. Would You Like a Time Machine?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you guys, specifically the readers from the You Will Be You series, want some fluffy outtakes for that series? Would you read it? It would mostly just be Venji fluff (and maybe smut? 👀) and probably just little oneshots just to update y’all on how victor is going post-everything. Would you guys read it? And I’d let you know on here whenever I put one up, if not I’ll close the series and say it’s done. Let me know in the comments!!

When someone’s life is a mess, they should clean off their desk. 

Victor had heard this once, and as a soulful believer of running away from one’s problems, he quite agreed with this mentality, and that very next evening he got right to work cleaning off his desk. He could smell his mother’s cooking in the other room, he was pretty sure she was making quesadillas, but he ignored the rumbling in his stomach in favor of focusing on the clutter on his desk. It was simple, throw things away, organize what wasn’t trash, but it was a daunting enough task to take the evening and push his thoughts from his mind. And push, he did. 

He was about half an hour into cleaning when he got to a pile of papers tucked carefully into one of his drawers. He was pretty sure he knew what was in there, just some old essays and notes but he decided to sort through them anyway. Maybe he’d get lost in rereading some old notes from biology that he might suddenly find interesting, or something from history that would catch his eye, or an essay about a short story he’d particularly liked. Maybe he’d do a bit more of not-thinking for a while. 

Mostly, it was garbage, old notes that were as vague as possible (it amazed Victor so much that he still managed A’s and B’s) and essays that may have been something if he hadn’t been so preoccupied with staring at Benji’s side profile or looking at Mia’s hair or trying to stop thinking about his last text to or from Simon. But then, Victor stumbled upon something priceless, something too beautiful for words, too precious for someone as awful as him to be holding. He wasn’t worthy of it. He wasn’t worthy of this piece of paper, and everything it meant. 

Benji’s birthday gift. His drawing of Victor. 

A sob caught in Victor’s throat, and he made an awkward sound as he stared at the page, tears blurring his vision. Benji had cared about Victor so much then. He had his own private smile for Victor, a specific little laugh for when they were alone together, a special way of looking at him when he thought Victor wasn’t paying attention. Victor had thought it meant something. He thought wrong. 

Now, all he had was a worthless drawing on a paper, a careful sketch of a mask Victor tried so hard to keep on. The mask was gone, and this was all he had left of it. 

Victor covered his mouth with his hand as he stared at the picture, a film of tears over his eyes. He dared not blink, because if he did, they’d fall, and he was already pathetic enough as it was. He’d cried enough tears over Benjamin Campbell. He’d made it clear enough that he was done with Victor, that he’d moved on. 

If only Victor could move on from him. 

Victor sat there, staring at that picture, for what felt like hours. At some point, the tears started to fall, and his shoulders started shaking with sobs, but he didn’t try to stop it. He made these mistakes. He ruined his own life.  _ He _ asked Mia out and  _ he _ kissed Benji and  _ he _ came out to his parents. He did all of these things to himself. It was his own mess. It was his own fault. 

Eventually, there was a soft knock at the door, and Victor could barely wipe his tears away in time before it was creaking open and Isabel peeked in at him. 

“Hey,” she said, going for casual, “dinner’s ready.”

A pang hit Victor in the chest, right over his heart. His mother used to always end that phrase with “mijo” or “mi amor,” but now? Victor wasn’t her son anymore. He wasn’t her love. He was her responsibility, and she had to feed him until he left for good and their home could be rid of his sin. 

Victor nodded, swallowing down the emotion thick in his throat. “Thanks. But, uh,” he cleared his throat awkwardly and forced out, “I’m not hungry.”

Isabel frowned. “Victor, you’ve said that for the last three days. Why don’t you come eat?”

Victor shook his head weakly. “No, thanks. I’m good. Busy.”

Isabel glanced around his room, eyed his half-clean desk, the drawing of himself in front of him. “Doing what? A self portrait?”

He forced a smile and a chuckle; it felt like sandpaper in his throat. “Uh, cleaning my desk.”

Isabel nodded, eyeing the paper again. “What’s that?”

Victor looked down at the paper, his heart twisting with a glance at Benji’s messy little signature at the bottom. “Old birthday present. From Benji.”

Isabel bit her lip, her expression changing a thousand times, and for the life of him Victor could not figure out what a single one of them meant. “The boy from the party?”

With extreme effort, he nodded. “Yeah. Right.”

“He’s gay, too?” She asked next. The conversation clearly made her uncomfortable, something Victor could tell even as her face zapped from emotion to emotion. 

He nodded again. “Yeah. But, uh, we don’t really talk anymore.”

Isabel nodded vaguely, though she didn’t ask any further. Victor was both grateful and offended. He didn’t want to talk with his mother about gay stuff anymore, not if she kept acting like this. But she never would’ve left a question like that just hanging. She never would’ve gone without asking why, asking what happened. She never would’ve seen the drying tears on his face and denied the both of them of her asking what was wrong. 

But things were different now. Victor was gay now. And Isabel no longer loved him. 

“Well,” she said suddenly, shifting awkwardly in the doorway, glancing away from the paper on the desk. Victor’s eyes snapped back up to his mother, watching her throw her gaze this way and that, doing anything to keep from looking at that picture again and give into her motherly instincts from the past. “Dinner’s ready, so I should get going. There’ll be some for you if you want it.”

Victor nodded, willing her to add something, say something else. But Isabel took a step back, and the door slowly closed. 

But the click never came. Victor watched in shock as the door swung back opened and Isabel stepped back inside, biting her lip, seemingly unsure of herself. 

“Victor,” she said seriously. 

He tried his best to breathe, but no air came in, so he gave up. “Yeah?”

“I just…” she pressed a fist to her forehead, pushing her back against his bedroom door. “I want you to know something.”

Victor nodded, willing her to go on, even if he couldn’t speak. 

“I… don’t love that you’re… the way you are,” she started awkwardly. 

Victor shook his head, forcing his vocal chords to work one more time. “Say it,” he told her. “Say it. It’ll help. I know it does.”

Their eyes met across the distance. She looked so scared. But Victor would not back down from this, from a chance at something good. Not this time. 

“...Gay.” She forced out. “You’re gay.”

Victor thought there would be a change in either one of them. He thought something would happen. Maybe the tension in the room would ease or she’d let her shoulders fall with relief or he would be able to breathe again, but nothing happened. Victor’s lungs were screaming for air, and Isabel only grew tighter as she stood. The air was thick with a fog of anxiety between them. Isabel blinked rapidly, looking away before meeting Victor’s gaze again. 

“Like I was saying,” she began again, her voice shaking, “I don’t love that you’re… gay. And I hope it passes.”

There. The final tap against the glass, the shattered porcelain held together by physics Victor could never dream to understand. One tiny tap at the center, and we all fall down…

“I mean,” she continued, unaware of the glass heart shattering in her son’s chest, “I really hope it passes. I liked Mia. And… I don’t know how I’ll handle you… being with a boy…” She took a deep breath and met his gaze, steady, clear, intentional. “But I love you, Victor. You’re my son. Always, okay?”

Victor forced a nod, even if this was the last thing he believed. “Okay, Mom.”

She smiled slightly, relieved, and her shoulders finally dropped. The tension in the room was still there. Even a knife wouldn’t be able to cut through the thickness in the room. Victor still couldn’t breathe. 

Normally, after a talk like that, Isabel would come over and cup his head with both hands, and she would lean over and kiss the top of his head, and Victor, for a brief moment, at least, would feel safe. But Isabel didn’t do that. She didn’t walk over. She didn’t offer anything else. 

“Dinner will be there for you. If you want it, of course,” Isabel reminded him. He nodded, entirely for her sake, and she left. The door clicked shut. 

Victor moved Benji’s drawing away from himself like it was the rarest metal on earth. He put his head down on the desktop, and he let the next round of tears fall. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love? Is appreciated??? 🥺🥺🥺
> 
> :))))))))) thanks


	6. When We Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ouch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm getting this to you guys so late I've been crazy busy! I've been wanting to write but I have no time anymore :((

Felix approached him at his locker slowly the next day, his eyebrows knitted together with concern. Victor watched him for a moment, and they stood there, silent, waiting for a sign to speak. 

“I got my phone back,” Felix finally said, voice sad. “I saw your messages from the other day.”

Victor’s shoulders dropped. “Oh. Right.”

Felix leaned against the neighboring lockers as Victor rummaged through his own for something to distract himself with. Felix lowered his voice to say, “She really outed you?”

Victor nodded, swallowing a thick of emotion. “Yep. While I was at work.”

Felix watched him in silence. “How have your parents been?”

Victor shrugged. “My dad hasn’t spoken to me since. My mom… she said she loves me, but she doesn’t like that I’m gay and she hopes it passes.” He sighed, slowly shutting his locker door with a tiny click. “I get it, I guess. But it still hurts, you know? She doesn’t accept me. She doesn’t love all of me.”

Felix observed him for a moment, a moment that lasted eternity, neither moving, neither speaking, until Felix reached forward and pulled him into a tight hug. Victor tucked himself against Felix’s body, biting back a sob. 

“It’ll be okay,” Felix told him quietly, his hand tightening on Victor’s neck. “She’ll accept you. I know it.”

Victor shook his head, sniffling. He gripped Felix’s backpack, desperate for something to hold onto. “She doesn’t love me anymore.”

“That’s not true,” Felix retorted. He pulled back, holding Victor at arm’s length, looking him in the eye. “Victor, it’s not true. She loves you. Things will get better.”

Movement caught the corner of Victor’s eye, caught his attention. Mia and Lake watched them carefully, eyes full of disdain and concern. Victor blinked his tears back and pulled Felix to their next class. 

“Mia and Lake saw,” Victor told him simply. 

Felix glanced back, so painfully obvious about it. When he turned back around, he looked panicked. “They did.” He swallowed heavily. “You know, Lake wants me to drop you. For the cheating thing.”

Victor glanced at him, careful not to reveal too many feelings. “Oh. What did you say?”

Felix gave him a pointed look. “I told her she didn’t know the whole story and I would never leave my best friend like that.”

Victor bit his lip, ashamed. He shouldn’t have asked that. But Felix shouldn’t have to choose between Victor and his girlfriend. “If it’s between me and Lake, I understand if you choose her. Really. I get it.”

Felix reached out, stopping Victor with a hand on his shoulder. “It’s not, and I would never. Victor, I know this has been shit, but you need to understand that. I would never do that to you. You were my friend even when that was social suicide. I care about you, Victor. Nothing will change that.”

Relief flooded through Victor’s body. He thought he might cry. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” Felix said, giving him his trademark half smile and puppy dog eyes as he clapped him twice on the shoulder. “Now let’s go to class.”

Victor smiled, too, and nodded, following his friend to first period, to the stars, and beyond. 

***

Pilar and Adrian sat on the couch with Victor, waiting. Pilar was scrolling through TikToks on her phone, but Adrian was bouncing his knee impatiently, staring at the door. Isabel was trying to keep herself busy in the kitchen. Victor hated it, hated the awkward tension in the room, but this type of thing was bound to happen. No one wanted to deal with their broken family. 

“When’s Dad coming?” Adrian finally asked. “I miss him.”

Victor missed him, too. They hadn’t spoken once since Victor told his parents the truth. He missed his Dad. He missed his family.

“He’ll be here soon,” Pilar told him distractedly. 

Finally, there was a knock at the door and Armando let himself in. It was so strange. Armando knocked. Because he didn’t live there anymore. 

“Papi!” Adrian yelled, jumping up and running to their father. Even Pilar seemed excited to see him, her eyes lighting up with a smile as she stood to greet her dad.

Armando smiled at them both, mussing with Adrian's hair. “Hey, flaco,” he said to him. He wrapped an arm around Pilar, kissing her forehead. 

Isabel stood in the walkway in the kitchen, watching them with a certain unease. Victor understood. He wasn’t sure what was going to happen. He wasn’t sure if Armando would ever hold him again like he was holding Pilar or Adrian. He wasn’t sure if his father would ever smile in his direction again. He wasn’t sure if he would ever love him again.

“Armando,” Isabel greeted awkwardly. “Good to see you.”

Armando looked at Isabel, eyes sad. “You too, Is.”

Victor watched the awkward exchange, his heart squeezing in his chest. His parents used to be happy. They used to be a happy family. But now they were broken. Each of them were broken. Victor and Isabel were torn away from their family, torn away from everyone, but Victor couldn’t seem to care anymore. Nothing mattered. Eventually he’d leave and he’d go to college and find someone who would love him. Maybe he’d go to NYU and stay with Simon and Bram and everyone up there. Maybe he’d find a boy who would love him and make him feel the way Benji made him feel. Or maybe he’d find a girl who would love him and make him straight again. Maybe he’d realize he was straight all along.

“Can we go see the new apartment?” Adrian asked excitedly. 

Armando smiled at him the way he used to smile at Victor. “You bet. You and Victor will have to share a room when you’re both there, though.”

Adrian dropped his head. “Dang it.”

Victor swallowed heavily, his throat clicking, and he forced himself to stand. “We should get going, then.”

Armando glanced up at him, eyes distant. “Right.” He looked down at Adrian, then Pilar, then Isabel. “Victor, maybe you should stay up here for now.” Armando said, looking above his head to address him. The words felt like a punch to the gut. “Stay with your mom. Keep her company. And you can see the apartment later.”

Victor’s throat got tight, and a part of him was certain he was going to cry. “Oh,” he croaked. “Okay.”

Armando nodded simply. Adrian ran over and gave Victor a tight hug, then their mother. Armando watched with a tight frown, then urged the two to follow him out. The door closed behind them with a click.

Isabel looked at Victor, seemingly lost. And then, she turned back to the kitchen, poking around in the refrigerator. “I’m going to go out with a friend, okay?” She called back. “So, you’ll be on your own tonight.”

Victor frowned. “What friend?”

Isabel turned back around and grabbed her purse. “A mom of one of my students. She’s really nice. I thought you’d go with your dad and the apartment would be empty. I’ll leave some money, okay?”

Victor nodded, watching his mother go. She grabbed a sweatshirt, muttering something about rain, and then reached for the door. She glanced back at him, eyes sad. Her mouth opened, closed, opened again. And then, she turned the handle, and was gone.

Victor sat back down on the couch, empty, alone, broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls love me


	7. Why be an Ass When You Can Just Leave?

Brasstown still was completely miserable without Benji there to liven it up a bit. In fact, the customers seemed to get a bit fewer and farther between. Turned out, people really liked Benji, and they followed him to his new location. Sarah was pissed about this, and Victor constantly saw her muttering about how annoyed she was, but Victor didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to go on. Benji hadn’t been replaced yet, either, so Sarah was constantly twice as stressed trying to find someone to take over his position. Not to mention how much more stressful it was being understaffed on a daily basis, and no matter how much smaller their crowd was, there were still too many people that came in for just Victor to handle behind the counter.

Things that day were thankfully slow, giving Victor a decent reprieve from the fast pace his life has taken up, hit after hit after hit after hit. He was wiping down the counters when the doors opened. He glanced to the door, very much annoyed that he’d have to have more human interaction before he could go home and suffer in silence. He could feel the color draining from his face. 

Derek. 

Victor cleared his throat awkwardly and stood up straight as Derek approached the counter. 

“Uh… hi— hi, Derek,” he forced a smile and an uncomfortable laugh. “What can I get you?” 

Derek glared at him. “Just an iced americano.”

Victor put the order into his computer, internally panicking. “Anything else?” He forced out through gritted teeth. 

Derek pursed his lips. “No.”

Victor nodded and put the order through. “That’ll be four-sixty-seven.”

Derek put his card in, then paused. “You know, that was an asshole move.”

Victor dropped his head forward, squeezing his eyes shut. “I know. It was a mistake.” He looked up, forcing himself to meet his eye. “You two are still together, right?”

Derek rolled his eyes. “Trying to take my boyfriend again?”

Victor shook his head, frantic, as Derek shifted his weight. 

“You know, you’re a real big asshole for that. Like, seriously, what were you trying to do?” Derek raised his brows. “How much of a shit person do you have to be to kiss another guy’s boyfriend? While you have a girlfriend?”

Victor blinked back tears. “Look, I know, and I’m sorry. It really wasn’t something I thought about.”

Derek rolled his eyes. “You didn’t think? Seriously? That’s your excuse?”

“Look,” Victor said quietly, aware of the attention they were getting, “I really am so sorry. I—“

“What?” He said, voice loud. “You what? What can you say?”

Victor squeezed his eyes shut. “Please, keep your voice down—“

“Why?” He shouted, drawing the attention of everyone in the cafe. “Afraid someone is gonna hear?”

Victor glanced around, terrified. “Derek, please, I’m not out, I—“

“No, you don’t get that anymore!” Derek shouted. “You kissed my boyfriend when he obviously wasn’t interested and you lied to everyone! You’re a fucking piece of shit!”

Sarah ventured out of her office. “What’s going on out here?”

“What’s going on,” Derek said, “is your employee is a dick!” He shook his head at Victor. “Well, guess what, asshole, he’s my boyfriend, not yours. And that’s not gonna change. Stay the hell away from Benji.”

Victor couldn’t help but let the tears fall. “Derek, I’m sorry. Really, I—“

“I don’t care. Just stay away from him.” He backed up toward the door. “I don’t want the drink. Just stay away from my boyfriend.”

Derek turned around, pushing the door open with much more force that necessary, leaving silence in his wake. The type of silence that comes after a hurricane. The type of silence that comes between the disaster and the aftermath. 

Victor squeezed his eyes shut tight and Sarah let out an awkward breath. 

“Uh, Victor the store’s a little slow tonight. Go home. I’ll take care of it.”

Victor nodded, making his way to the back, where he let the tension go, let himself go, let the tears go. He let himself cry in the darkness of the cramped little break room. 

Nothing was right anymore. Nothing was right. His family didn’t love him and his friends had turned on him and even his job was miserable now. And it was all his fault. Everything was Victor’s fault. He ruined his own life. He ruined everything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls give some comments they make me happy


	8. The Reality of Right Now

It was always so surprising to Victor how well Felix knew him. Like today, he came to his door, took one look at his face, and declared they were going out for lunch, just the two of them. Entirely because Felix saw how miserable Victor was from a second-long look at his face. Victor loved his best friend. 

The two sat in silence at their booth as they pondered their menus, Felix glancing at him every other second. Victor was itching to ask what was bugging him, but he left it alone. He wasn’t sure he could deal with any more drama ever again. 

They ordered eventually, and Victor resigned himself to the silence between them until Felix spoke up. He was sick of talking first. Talking first only brought about pain. Talking at all only brought pain. 

“Victor,” Felix said softly, “are you okay?”

Victor nodded, taking a sip of his sweet tea. “Yeah, I guess.”

Felix stared at him, brow raised, puppy eyes gone.  _ You’re not fooling anyone _ . 

Victor sighed and moved his tea away from him so he wouldn’t be tempted to drink all of it in one quick go. 

“Everything sucks ass, Felix,” he said. “My family hates me. My dad was taking us all down to his new apartment and he told me not to come. My mom doesn’t talk to me anymore. But even worse, I hurt Mia so bad. And Benji.” He dropped his face in his hands, groaning. “I miss him. So much.” Victor peaked between his fingers at his friend, who was frowning, brows furrowed. 

“Tell me about him,” Felix said, nodding him on. 

Victor sighed and dropped his hands. “He’s just… so perfect. His smile and his laugh and his hair…” Despite the somber feeling in his chest, he smiled at the memories. “He’s so sweet. And he makes any awkward moment so easy. Like, anything that could’ve been weird, he just made… not weird.” He bit his lip, his eyes focused on something in the distance, something between the table and the universe, all boiling down to one single point in the Milky Way galaxy. “And the way he furrows his eyebrows when he’s frustrated. It’s so cute. Or when he’s focused.” He dropped his head into his hands, lost in a time he used to be happier. “And the way his hair falls into his face…” He sat back in his chair, tracing the wood grains of the table with one fingertip. “I love the way he smiles, and the way his voice sounds. I love how patient he is with everything. I love how good he is.” Victor felt his nostalgic smile sip into a deep frown, his chin wobbling in a desperate attempt to keep from crying. “I think I love him.”

Felix swallowed heavily, glancing around awkwardly, as if searching for the right words to say. “Oh… Victor that’s…” He blinked rapidly a few times, lost. 

Victor groaned, shoving the heels of his hands into his eyes to keep the tears back. “It’s awful,” he finished. “I don’t want to feel like this. I want to love Mia like this. Or I want to love any girl like this. I want to be less of a mistake all the time.”

“Hey,” Felix said, firm, “you are not a mistake. This, right now, it’s hard. But you are not a mistake. Maybe you’ve made a couple mistakes, but that does not mean you are one.”

Victor shrugged awkwardly, wiping at his nose. “I just want things to be easier.” And he couldn’t fight the tears anymore, couldn’t fight the emotion thick in his throat. “Why did I have to be gay? Why did I have to be raised in Texas? Why did I have to have a religious family? Why did I have to fall for the one guy I can never have?” His voice broke on the last word, and he took a long sip of tea to ease the ache in his throat. “I wish things were easier.”

Felix watched him for a moment, then stood and slid onto Victor’s side, pulling him into a tight hug. 

“I’m sorry, Victor,” he said softly. Victor held him tight, thankful for the reprieve. 

“It’s not your fault,” Victor told him. “It’s mine.”

Felix shook his head, but didn’t say anything else. He didn’t need to. They both knew Victor spoke the truth. 

***

It was trembling hands with which Victor packed his overnight bag. Clothes, pajamas, toothbrush, deodorant, phone charger… Everything was in there, just as it had been for the last half hour he’d been rechecking the contents of his duffel. 

Isabel knocked gently on his door, but he jumped all the same, whirring around to peer at his mother, or the ghost of her face. She looked so different now. Victor couldn’t remember the last time she smiled. 

“Sorry,” she said, “your dad’s here.”

Victor nodded, grabbing the handles of his bag. A weekend with his father and siblings, oh joy. 

“Thanks,” he muttered as he walked past her. She bit her lip and followed him out. 

Armando was messing with Adrian by the door as Pilar shouldered both her and Adrian’s bags. Victor remembered when his dad was that at ease with him. He remembered times the two of them would prank their mother with a jump scare, and when they’d stay up late watching basketball. He remembered when his father still loved him. 

_ Alright _ , he thought to himself as he adjusted the bag on his shoulder,  _ let’s get this weekend over with.  _

“Hey, Dad,” Victor said, trying to sound enthusiastic. He failed pretty badly. 

Armando nodded to him, a slight grimace on his face. “Hey…” 

The four of them stood awkwardly, staring at each other. Adrian seemed completely lost. 

“Are we leaving or not?” He asked. 

Armando glanced down at the boy, his eyes softening. “Yeah, flaco,” he said, then looked back at Victor. “You know, kid,” he told him quietly, “maybe you should stay with your mom. Keep her company this weekend.”

Victor stared at his father, the meanings to his words clearer than ever.  _ I don’t want you here.  _

Victor nodded, choking back tears. “O—okay.”

Armando nodded, lips pursed, then corralled Pilar and Adrian out the door. 

Victor watched the door closed, forgotten, then looked helplessly to his mother. She sighed. 

“I’m sorry, Victor,” she said. “But I do have plans tonight.”

Victor nodded again, lost as to how to do anything else. “Okay.”

She made an aborted movement, almost like she was going to come comfort him, but she seemed to have abandoned the idea altogether. And with that, Isabel retreated to her room. 

Victor stood, lost, left with the shattered fragments of a past life and not a single clue as to how to put it back together into some semblance of hope. 

***

“Alright, kids,” Ms. Thomas said, glaring, “I didn’t have my morning coffee. I am trying to cut back on caffeine, which means I have a raging headache and am not in a good mood.” She shifted her gaze along the class, sending chills down Victor’s spine. “I have assigned lab partners. You’ll be partners for our long-term project due your first day back after spring break.”

Her words were met by a class-wide groan, to which she yelled back at with incoherence. She raised her brows at them, shaking her head. “Not today, students, not today,” she said, turning around. “I’m putting your assigned partners on the board, and then no one will talk to me for the rest of the day.”

Victor sighed to himself, opening his biology binder and sorting through his notes. A chatter started growing among the students, and Victor glanced up at the list displayed across the front board. He searched for his name, a pit opening in his stomach once he found it. 

**Victor Salazar - Benjamin Campbell**

Of course. Of course this would happen. Of course Victor would be paired with one of the people who arguably hated him more than they hated people who abused puppies. 

Benji slid into the seat beside him. Victor did his best to ignore the excitement fluttering in his chest. Benji hated him. There was no reason to be excited that they were sitting together for a project neither wanted to do. 

Except there was. Because Victor was in love with him. 

Really, he had to stop thinking a bit, because this was really starting to get annoying. 

“Let’s do plants,” Benji said, not looking at him. “Plant cells.”

Victor nodded. “Sure.”

Benji pulled out his textbook. “I’ll take notes on the textbook, you do outside research. We can put it together into one PowerPoint, and we won’t have to talk to each other at all.”

Of course. It was so obvious. Even though Victor had known it was coming, it still stung. Victor loved him, but Benji didn’t love him back. It seemed he didn’t even hate him anymore. He just didn’t even care. 

“That works,” Victor said, voice strained. “Cool. Yeah.”

“Stop talking,” Benji snapped. “That’s the point.”

Victor nodded again, watching Benji’s profile as he put in his earbuds. He was still so beautiful. Victor wished he could go back in time to when he was at least a little happy. When he could watch Benji from afar and not have to worry about him noticing, because he was watching him back. When they were friends. When he was in Narnia, never even dreaming of coming out. When his family still loved him. When his life wasn’t a nightmare, day in, day out, as he was forgotten by the world around him, by the people around him. When he wasn’t alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls give me comments they make me so happy and literally get me through my day. Pls 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺


	9. Where Do We Go From Here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ngl this chapter was lost on me in the end and I feel like it really shows

Given how the last week had gone so terribly, the last thing Victor thought he could expect was a phone call from Mia that very night. But lo and behold, there his phone was around five that night, buzzing, Mia’s name and icon appearing on the screen. 

Victor just stared at the picture for a moment. This was probably a butt dial. He shouldn’t get his hope up.  _ He shouldn’t get his hopes up.  _

With a trembling hand, he hit the answer button and picked up the phone, holding it to his ear. 

“He— uh, hello?” He said, voice cracking. 

“Victor… hey…” Came Mia’s tinny voice over the speaker. “I was starting to think you wouldn’t pick up.”

“I would always pick up for you,” he said, maybe too quickly. Maybe too strongly. Maybe he was coming on too strong. Maybe he should’ve let the phone ring and ring and ring without answering. 

Mia cleared her throat awkwardly. “Right. Well, uh… I was wondering if we could talk? In person?”

Victor bit his lip as hard as he could, squeezing his eyes tight. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Her voice was soft, like a nostalgic truce. 

He couldn’t help but smile. What did this mean? Was she ready to forgive him, or at least consider forgiving him? “I’d like that.”

“Great. Uh, the park work?”

Victor nodded to himself, relieved. “Definitely. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“See you here, Victor,” she said softly. It reminded him of the way she spoke when he was upset. 

“I’ll see you.”

***

Mia was sitting on a wood park bench when Victor got there. She was wearing a black dress, almost like she was in mourning. 

“Hey,” he called out. 

She turned to him, giving a strained smile once their eyes met. “Oh, hi.”

Victor sat down on the opposite end of the bench, glancing around the park. “This is a nice place.”

“It is,” she said, looking at the space. After a moment, she said, “You broke my heart, Victor.”

He winced. “I didn’t mean to. Really.” He angled his body toward her. He tried desperately to find something, anything he could count as attraction, scraped against the bottom of the empty pit inside him, reached back into the recesses of his mind, but all he got were stray memories that were so clearly a lie. Their first kiss and all the kisses after, the stoplight party, the night they were going to have sex… Nothing was really true. Nothing was real attraction. “I’m sorry, Mia. I was just so scared of myself and what I felt… so I forced something so that I could think I was normal. I really thought I liked you, Mia. But after that night we tried… you know, I guess I just realized that I didn’t feel that way.” Everything that’d been piling up inside him, every thought that he wasn’t good enough, every memory when times were better, every awful conversation he’d had with everyone, it all came back like a punch in the chest. He desperately blinked back tears. “I tried so hard to be normal,” he whispered. “I tried so hard to love you like I wanted to. But I just couldn’t. Because I’m gay.”

The word tasted sour and felt like acid on his tongue, but he swallowed it down and kept going. “Our first date felt real. Our time together felt real. But once I started thinking about it, once I  _ had _ to start thinking about it, I knew it wasn’t romance. I love you, Mia. But not that way. I can’t love you that way.”

She closed her eyes, brows furrowed. Eventually, she opened her eyes again, and all that was there was resignation. “Okay.”

Victor shifted so he was facing the park. “Okay.”

“Maybe it’s for the best,” she told him. “Maybe I can be with Andrew and you can be with Benji.”

Victor smiled a wan, self-deprecating smile. “I think you and Andrew would be good together. But… Benji hates me. So, I don’t think that would work.”

She shrugged. “Maybe things will work out. Aren’t you the one who’s always making sure everything does no matter what?”

Victor closed his eyes. “I used to be. Before I made the worst mistakes of my life.”

He could feel Mia’s eyes on him, so he glanced at her, relieved to find her looking at him without malice or pain. 

“Victor,” she whispered, “things can get better.” She sighed, leaning back against the back of the bench. “How did this turn into me comforting you?”

Victor winced. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I really never meant to hurt you. Things just got away from me.”

“And that’s why you cheated on me?” She turned to him, eyes bright with tears. Victor felt it like a punch to the gut. “That’s why you kissed Benji, right?”

Victor shook his head. “Mia, it’s more than that.” He could hear the plea in his voice, could feel its ache in his bones. “It was like… the first time I could do something I’d always wanted to do. Something I ever thought I could do. I didn’t think. It just happened. And I will spend the rest of my life hating myself for it.”

Mia sighed. “Benji likes you. I’ve always been able to tell. I just didn’t think it mattered…” She shook her head to herself, as if to rid her mind of the past. “As for me… maybe we can be friends. Soon,” she added. 

Despite the pain in her voice, Victor couldn’t help but feel a glimpse of hope. “Really?”

She nodded. “Honestly, this past week has been brutal without you.”

Victor huffed a laugh. “Yeah. Mine too.”

Mia watched him for a moment, then stood. “Come on. There’s an ice cream stand over there, and I want it.”

Victor smiled and stood, following Mia at a decent distance back until they got to the stand. The both ordered, he paid, and they made their way back to the bench, cones in hand. 

“You know,” Mia said between licks, “for the Spring Equinox festival I’m planning a little picnic for everyone. You should come. Benji will be there.”

Victor winced at the idea. “Then Derek will be there.”

Mia nodded. “Maybe.”

He thought about it. An awkward day with his ex-girlfriend, three people who hated his guts, and his best friend. They’d probably have a pretty good day without him. “I think that’d be too… tense.” He told her. 

She nodded again. “Maybe.” 

They sat in silence. Victor could feel his chocolate ice cream drip down his fingers. He tried his best to lick it away, but his ice cream was melting too fast for him to clean himself up. He glanced over at Mia, who was watching him sadly. Victor felt his face heat. “I’m sorry.”

She shrugged, keeping her eyes down. “Don’t worry about it.”

Her phone rang, and she stood up, her shoulders easing. “I should get going.”

Victor nodded, staring intently at his ice cream so he could avoid her face. “Okay.” He could feel her eyes on him, so he glanced up. They held each others’ gazes for a moment, then Mia walked away. 

Victor threw away his ice cream, then walked away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls comment!!!!!!! I’m thirsty for attention!!!!!!!!!!


	10. How This Sounds to You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two people asked for more angst. So, uh, here ig. I hope this is suffice

“Victor,” his mother said softly, “how are you doing?” 

He glanced up at her from his papers. He’d been doing homework at the dining room table, where his mother sat down with a calendar and began penciling in which students had scheduled when. It was another weekend his father told him to stay home to  _ keep his mother company _ . Victor was already sick of the lies. He wished Armando would just tell him he didn’t love him or want him as a son anymore so they could all stop pretending and move on. 

How was Victor doing? How was he doing, she asked? How was Victor Salazar, former family fixer-upper, ex-boyfriend, piner after the one boy who’d never want him back, doing? How was he doing?  _ How was he doing? _

Victor would fucking ice it on a cake for her if she really wanted to know. But she didn’t want to know. 

He shrugged. “You probably don’t wanna know. It’ll make you uncomfortable.”

Isabel visibly swallowed down her unease and shook her head. “No, Victor, I want to know.”

She would’ve called him  _ mi amor  _ before all this. She would’ve called him  _ mijo.  _ His father would’ve called him  _ flaco _ and invited him downstairs to sneak a beer away from his mother. But that was only Victor playing pretend. 

Victor sighed. “Honestly, Mom?”

She nodded, face hopeful. Victor sighed and went on. 

“Honestly, things are…” He considered lying, considered leaving out Benji and Mia and the pain he felt every time his family rejected him again. But where would that get him? “Things are… awful?” He told her. He took a shaky breath. He didn’t want to hide from her anymore. “I messed up so much, Mom. I kissed Benji while I was dating Mia and he hates me now. And I broke Mia’s heart. And it sucks because there’s no one who I can talk to now. Felix is so busy with Lake and school and I hurt Benji so bad he hates me now. I made such a big mistake and everyone hates me now.” He sobbed, unable to hold in his tears any longer. “And I think I’m in love with Benji but I can’t do anything about it because he’s with someone and he never wants to talk to me again!” He squeezed his eyes shut, swallowing the thick in his throat. “Do you know what that’s like? Loving someone knowing you’re doomed no matter what?”

Isabel frowned, a film of tears in her eyes. “I’m so sorry, mi amor,” she said. Victor felt his resolve breaking, could feel the words gluing the cracks inside him back together. “I’m a terrible mother,” she continued. The tears ran down her face, and Victor longed to hold her again, feel his mother’s arms wrapping around him, sheltering him from the rest of the awful, awful world.

“You’re not, Mami,” he told her. Both of them were crying so hard now, and Victor could feel this moment healing him. And then the world fell around him once again.

“I am,” she insisted, her voice cracking. “I’m so sorry for not accepting you, mijo,” she said as if pleading. She pressed her hands to her forehead, frustrated. “It shouldn’t matter that you… like boys, but it  _ does _ ! It kills me that you won’t marry a woman one day!” She cried into her palms, seemingly oblivious to the way Victor stalled. He was desperate to stop this conversation, desperate to run away, but she kept going, “It breaks my heart that you’ll never have a wife! And I keep trying to wrap my head around it, but I can’t do it! I don’t want that for you. I want better for you. I hate that you’ll never be as happy as your father and I. I hate that you’ll be leading a life like this, and that you won’t let us help you!” She shook her head, wiping her face. “I just can’t get over it. I’m a terrible mother.”

Victor very carefully kept the emotion off his face. His mother closed her eyes, and he allowed himself a split second of total grief, grief over the past, over his mother, his whole family, everyone he used to call ‘friend.’ 

“It’s okay, Mom,” he said carefully. He tried desperately to think of placating phrases to get himself away from here, to get himself out of this mess, out of this apartment, out of this building, out of this life. When would he be able to go back to the days he was happy? When would he be able to go back to the days that his mother yelled his name from the stands? When his parents were so proud to call him  _ their son, he was their son.  _ That’s Victor Salazar,  _ our son.  _

That’s Victor Salazar, our mistake. 

Victor held tight to the memories of New York City. He pressed them to his heart like a flower, immortalized them like a four-leaf clover encased in glass, like he’d die if he didn’t keep Simon and Bram and Justin and Kim and Ivy with him. Maybe he’d go up there for the summer. He’d just leave, write a note and leave it on the counter so the Salazars knew he was okay. He could crash on the couch with everyone, exploring the city, getting decimated on an almost daily basis by the gay league of basketball players. He could meet Mike from Messy Boots and fall in love with him and he’d forget all about Benji. Maybe he’d even meet a girl. Maybe he’d fall in love with her and realize he was straight the whole time. Maybe his family would accept him back and they’d laugh about the time he thought he might like gays. They’d cry on his wedding day, not because he was a mistake, an abomination, but because his love was beautiful. Because that was their little boy, all grown up. 

But he knew that could never happen. It was merely a fantasy. He’d never love a girl the way he loved Benji. If it couldn’t happen with Mia, the best girl in the world, how would it happen with anyone else? It wouldn’t. And Victor would be forced to live his life alone. Without Benji, without Mia, without his family. Eventually Felix would move on, too, finally popular and confident and happy. And Victor would be left in the dust, forgotten, because he kissed a boy when he should’ve kissed a girl. And it was the biggest mistake of his life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls love me uwu 🥺


	11. How to Say Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant for this to be sadder but that just didn’t happen oops

Benji’s voice was like an angel’s, a safe haven amidst the cacophony of noise in the hallway. 

“Vic, can we talk?” 

Hearing his voice felt like a natural high, even as the words themselves opened a pit in his stomach. 

Victor grabbed his last book from his locker, nodding. “Y-yeah. Sure.”

Benji nodded, glancing around the hallway. “Come on.”

Victor’s bands started shaking as he followed Benji down the hall, toward the library. 

“Sorry,” Benji said with a little smile, “I just wanted quiet.”

Victor nodded, feigning calm. “It’s cool. What’s up?”

Benji sighed and wandered into the stacks. Victor glanced around for witnesses, then followed him as he realized there were none. He watched Benji trailed his fingers along the spines of novels in the fiction section, gliding from A names to F. He was enraptured the same way he was whenever he watched Benji play guitar, watching his fingers move deftly with purpose. 

Benji smiled when he saw his gaze. “So, you actually like me, huh? That kiss wasn’t just… an experiment?”

“ _No_ ,” Victor stressed, eyes wide. “I would never hurt you or Mia like that.”

Benji nodded to himself, tracing his fingers along the words on the spine of a book. It was thinner than the others, though not quite small enough to be a novella. “Okay.”

They stood in silence for a moment. Benji kept trailing his fingers back and forth, pacing down, and up, going about half the length of the lane before turning around and retracing his steps. Victor watched him, unsure of how to proceed. Was that all he wanted? Should Victor walk away?

“Is that it?” Victor asked softly. He wasn’t sure if he wanted the answer. He missed Benji, he missed him so much, and if all Benji wanted was some clarification? Before he tossed him aside once again to deal with the shit conversations with everyone just like he had all these days before? Victor wasn’t sure he could take it. But if there was something more, would it be something Victor could stand to hear? 

At this point, moving forward from this second seemed like a lose-lose situation. 

Benji shook his head. “No. That actually wasn’t even what I wanted to talk to you about.”

Victor waited for him to continue. “Okay?”

Benji sighed, dropping his hand to his side. “Sarah told me what happened the other day. With Derek.”

Victor bit his lip. “Oh. Right.”

Benji looked at him, eyes sad. “I’m sorry about him. He’s been really upset about this whole thing, but… you didn’t deserve that.”

Victor shrugged. “I mean, I kinda did.” He sat against the shelf, shoulders hunched in, the poster boy for absolute devastation. “I almost ruined your relationship.” 

“No.” Benji shook his head and sat beside him. There was less distance between the two of them than Victor had had with anyone other than Felix since the night of the dance. “It was my fault,” Benji admitted. “I should’ve told him the truth right away. There wasn’t anything I had to hide. I was just scared. And I pinned it on you so that I didn’t have to think about it.” He tilted his head to the side. “And I’m sorry about how I treated you the other day. That wasn’t cool.”

Victor nodded. He understood, really. He’d done the same thing. He was scared about being gay, so he put the responsibility on Mia. “I get it. It’s okay.”

Benji chuckled. “It’s not, but thanks.”

Victor looked at him, and he allowed himself to feel something. Something big and beautiful, like a small nugget of gold in his hands, precious and rare and irreplaceable. 

Hope. He felt hope. 

He allowed himself to smile a little bit, the first genuine grin in so long. “We can work on it. Accountability.”

Benji nodded. “Yeah.” He sighed. “I miss you, Vic.”

Gold shining bright, sunlight glancing off its surface amidst the dirt trying to bury it in the ground. 

“I miss you, too, Benji,” Victor whispered. He could barely breathe. Something good was just within his reach, and he’d be damned if he’d let it get away that easily. 

Benji’s smile turned sad. “We can’t… be friends, Victor. Derek would be really upset. And I’m trying to be better.”

Pyrite. Fool’s gold. 

“Right.” Victor said, forcing his voice light. “Of course. That, uh… that makes sense.”

Benji smiled, genuine. “I’m glad you understand.” He moved to stand, but paused. “I do forgive you, Victor. I hope you know that.”

Victor nodded, swallowing down the emotion in his throat. “I do.”

Benji nodded once more, then stood. “See you around. And for the bio project.”

Victor didn’t answer as Benji left. He could feel the hole Benji left in him, could feel the hold the pyrite left in him, as he watched Benji Campbell walk out of his life for good. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls leave some comments they make me so happy


	12. When There Are No Voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Creation speaks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I want Domino’s cinnamon whatever. Or are those Pizza Hut.....?
> 
> Sorry this is coming so late!!! School has been ruff

He missed Benji. 

That was it. He just missed Benji. 

He missed his smile and his laugh and his kind words and his goofy personality. He missed him. He loved him. 

But Benji didn’t love him back. 

Victor trudged into his room, simultaneously exhausted and so very relieved. His brother and sister were downstairs with their dad since Isabel would be out with her book club tonight. When she joined a book club, or even how she found one, Victor wasn’t sure, but Isabel seemed to be thriving lately. She seemed to be happy. That made one of them. 

He was so sick of being a ghost in his own home. He was so very tired of everyone leaving him alone for dinner every single night. _Keep your mom company. I’m going out tonight. Adrian and I were going to have a brother-sister bonding time._ Bullshit. They just didn’t want him anymore. 

And now? Now, Victor was heartbroken, and he was over their bullshit. 

He sighed loudly, resigning himself to a night of oppressive silence and homework. Maybe he’d put on some music, or push off his assignments for a little while and watch TV. Maybe he’d catch up on Stranger Things or watch whatever new movie everyone was talking about this week. Maybe he’d order himself a Domino’s pizza, and when his teachers ask tomorrow why he hadn’t done his work, he’d tell them he had a migraine and went to sleep early. None of them would have the heartlessness or wherewithal to argue. 

Eventually, he decided he’d put on Stranger Things and do his Language Arts notes. He just had to copy down everything word for word anyway. Not like that really requires much attention. 

He cued up the next episode of Stranger Things and pulled up the Domino’s website on his phone, putting in a delivery for pepperoni and jalapeño pizzas. He knew when Adrian was back he’d want some, and Pilar always loved pizza for breakfast, plus he always ate a whole pie on his own. Something milder for his siblings, spicy for him. Just because his family didn’t talk to him anymore didn’t mean he wouldn’t provide for them if he could. Besides, it wasn’t like anyone else would need his mouth anytime soon given how unlikely it was that he’d kiss anyone ever again. 

The reminder made his mind drift, all the way back to Benji and the hellish conversation earlier in the library. How had he managed to stray that far from Benji? How had he managed to make himself an enemy? It was six seconds that ruined Victor’s life. 

He missed when Benji was within arm’s reach. Now, it was like he was in a whole other dimension. 

After he put his order in as delivery and wrote a frowny face in the notes because, well, mood, he hit play on Netflix and pulled out his purple Language Arts notebook, because Language Arts was purple and no one could change his mind. 

He flipped open the first couple pages while the opening scene began. His first thought as he watched the pages go past was that biology was yellow, not purple. His second thought as he read a few lines was that this was not his handwriting.

His third thought, upon seeing a name scrawled at the top of an assignment stamped with a smile, was that this was not his notebook.

He snapped Benji’s notebook shut, his heart racing as if he’d committed a crime. 

This was Benji’s notebook. This was Benji’s biology notebook. He had Benji’s notebook.

Why did he have Benji’s notebook?

Victor squeezed his eyes shut, his chest aching with the reminder of the conversation earlier. Benji didn’t want him. Benji didn’t want him. Benji didn't want him.

Victor ran his finger along the side of the notebook, down the worn edges of pages marked with words penciled in Benji’s handwriting. A piece of Benji so close and specifically himself, something so special to just Benji, something just belonging to him that Victor could see, could hold onto for just a moment.

But no. Because that is just creepy. He still had Benji in all of Victor’s memories. He still had little pieces of him all over, in biology, in Brasstown, in lunch, in his mind. He had more everyday, like today in the library. Or like knowing he wrote his y’s with a loop. Or knowing biology was purple instead of yellow.

He still had little pieces of him all over. He loved Benji. And, despite how much Benji wanted, they weren’t gone yet.

Victor, at this point, had completely tuned out of the show playing on the television, but he was still completely lost in staring at the front of the notebook. He hadn’t been able to see at first, but in the bottom right-hand corner Benji had written his name and the subject in small text. There was also a small doodle at the bottom, just of a detailed flower. Victor traced his fingers along the sketch, jagged, sharp lines all coming together to make the petals of a beautiful rose. 

He should do it. 

Benji would never know. And they were just biology notes. Maybe Victor would be able to get the notes from the day he’d missed going to New York.

He should look through it. 

He should look through it.

He traced his fingers again over the rose, then along the edge of the cover. He tucked his thumb beneath the worn corner of the front cover, his heart racing like he was about to open a book full of illicit photos, and he opened the notebook.

Benji’s handwriting was small and cramped and loopy, with curvy lines and small connections between letters. Victor stroked the tips of his fingers along the words, reabsorbing the notes they took at the beginning of the semester as if with fresh eyes. All along the margins were little notes, like a small “wtf??” by a definition, or a “how does this make sense” by a food web illustration. There were also tons of doodles from page to page, a detailed cloud on the first page of aquatic animal notes, another sketch of a rose, this time colored in messily with a red pen, a surprisingly accurate rough sketch of a crocodile with the title, “A Croc-- Not a Gator” and labels specifying differences between the two species. Victor studied the diagram, enchanted. He wondered if Benji just drew this from memory or if he looked up the information, because he was certain they’d never gone over anything about crocodiles or alligators. He’d drawn lines to the scales and snout and eyes, pointing out differences all over the body, small arrows toward the tail and claws, explaining the differences between a “Croc” and a “Gator.”

Victor flipped through the pages. There were bars of music all over the place, measures everywhere of notes and words scrawled underneath. There was one page titled “VS” with chord names written on every other line. Victor wasn’t dumb enough to miss that those were his initials, but he also wasn’t dumb enough to entertain the idea that the song might be for him. Victor was able to follow along well enough to figure out that this sounded like a love song. Maybe it was for Derek. The song was sweet, almost loving sometimes. Victor stared at the music, his lips pulled into a frown. He wasn’t supposed to know this existed. 

Victor turned the next page, crying aloud when he saw the detailed drawing taking up the whole page. 

It was a huge drawing of himself, right in the center. He was smiling, and there was such love in his eyes that Victor could barely take it. The bottom tapered out into a huge rose on the right side with a leaf reaching out just past the line of his right arm. It looked like he was wearing the tux from the dance. Under the flower was a date and signature. 

And the date was one week after the Spring Fling. 

Victor stared at the drawing. It was full of such detail and love. He could barely breathe as he stared at it. 

He shouldn’t have seen this. He never should’ve seen this. 

He quickly closed the notebook, fingers trembling, even as thousands of thoughts went through his mind. 

Why had Benji drawn that? Did he miss him? Was he thinking about him? Was Victor as much of a staple in his mind as Benji was in Victor’s?

There was a sharp knock at the door, and Victor almost blacked out. He stumbled over, trying desperately to convince himself to calm down. It was probably Felix. Then again, Felix had been busy with Lake since they’d gotten back together. 

He opened the door to a confused-looking pizza guy. Victor's chest squeezed at the same time his stomach growled. Right. The pizza. 

“Hang on,” Victor said. “Let me get my money.”

The employee nodded and Victor sniffled on his way to the counter, handing the guy the money. 

“Thanks,” he said, “so, you have two pizzas and a side of cinnamon sticks.”

Victor furrowed his brows, anxiety ratcheting up in his chest. “I didn’t order those. And I don’t have any more cash on me.”

The employee glanced up at Victor, his face softening. “Right. You put a frowny face in the notes. We figured you could use a little pick-me-up. On the house.”

Victor stared at the man in front of him, eyes watering. “Oh. I— thank you. So much.”

He nodded. “Domino’s has your back.”

Victor took the boxes. “Thank you. Keep the change.”

The employee nodded—Jeff, Victor saw—then headed off, bidding him a goodnight. 

Victor had no one. But he did have Domino’s. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls leave comments and remind me to get my shit together!!!!


	13. The Thorns of a Rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, how the tables have turned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really wishing I had time to write ://

Victor shifted his weight uncomfortably. He pulled the purple rose-covered notebook from his backpack, waiting. Today, just two days before Spring Break, he and Benji would finish their assignment together. And Victor would give him his notebook back. He still felt so very ashamed every time he thought about it and remembered he’d looked through without permission. He kept trying to remind himself that it wasn’t a diary. He thought there’d be nothing but notes in there. He thought he’d do nothing but copy down some notes from when he was absent. But it was such a breach in privacy. He was overcome with shame. 

Victor watched the door, anxiously waiting for Benji’s arrival. 

And there he was, running a hand through his hair, smiling good-naturedly at a student walking past him to the hall. His shirt had risen up, showing a strip of skin on his stomach. Victor’s mouth went dry. He very much hated himself more and more as the days went by. 

“Sit with your partners!” Ms. Thomas reminded them. Benji frowned, dropping his hand and looking over at Victor. Victor shot his glance away, though it was too late. Benji’d seen him openly ogling him in the doorway. 

Benji slid smoothly into the chair beside Victor, lips pursed. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Victor said, voice cracking. He silently berated himself for being so weird, then cleared his throat. “Uh, here,” he said, sliding the notebook between them. “I don’t know how, but it ended up in my backpack. I’m sorry, I didn’t notice until last night.”

Benji shrugged, reaching carefully for the notebook. “It’s cool. Ah, thanks.”

Victor nodded awkwardly and turned toward the front of the classroom, praying that was where the conversation ended. Still, a piece of him felt heavy with guilt at the memories of what he’d done last night, invaded his privacy so very clearly. He was holding onto Benji too tight. He needed to let go. But if he let go, then he’d have nothing left to grasp onto, and he’d just fall. 

“Victor?” Benji asked softly. 

Victor glanced over, his stomach dropping. “Yeah?”

“Did you look in it? See anything?”

Panic filled Victor entirely. His chest squeezed and his vision went tight, like he was going to pass out. He stared at the board as he said, “Uh, n-no, no, why do you ask?” 

Benji studied his profile carefully, and Victor worked very hard on not letting his emotions show. He kept his blush down tight, kept his eyes away from Benji, kept his gaze forward. 

“No reason,” Benji finally said, then looked back at his notebook. “I broke up with Derek, by the way.”

Victor snapped his gaze to Benji, eyes wide in shock. “Oh. Uh, cool. Good. He was an ass.”

He gasped at his own words, working up an apology immediately, but Benji just laughed. 

“Yeah,” he said with a small chuckle. “He didn’t used to be. When we started dating, I mean. And I just kept holding out hope that he’d change. He’d go back to the way he used to be. Someone… not so uptight all the time. Someone kinder to everyone else. But he never did. He just got worse. And I just had to come to terms with it. I didn’t want things to change, but he made me feel… bad, all the time. It’s better this way. And—“

“Children, shut up, stop talking!” Ms. Thomas shouted at the top of her damn lungs. Victor was ready to scream at her, but he stuffed down his frustration. They’d continue this conversation later. “Get your things. We actually are not going to do our assignments, we are going to go hear a person talk about nothing important in a very unimportant way.” She scrunched her nose, mouth screwing tight with displeasure. “Grab your stuff! Let’s go waste a period!”

The class groaned as they packed their things. Benji’s eyebrows were knotted together, like he was tense. “Victor—“

“Benji, it’s okay,” Victor interrupted. “I’m happy for you. We don’t need to talk about it.” He said, biting the inside of his cheek so he wouldn’t cry. “I’m not… alright right now, and… I’m happy for you. I’m glad you’re going to get something better. But I need space right now. From you, from Mia… from everyone…” he shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. He was unhappy with himself, and it was high time he did something about it. “Sorry I had your notebook,” he choked out, then grabbed his bag and hightailed it the fuck outta there. 

Felix ran and caught up with him. “Hey.” He said softly. “What was that?”

Victor glanced behind him at Benji, flanked by two of the girls he always ate lunch with, face wrecked with devastation. 

Victor shrugged. “I think… that was me saying goodbye.”

***

Victor’s heart was still smarting from yesterday’s conversation with Benji. But it didn’t matter, because this was the last day before Spring Break, and he’d already suffered through almost the entire day. He just had to brave last period, then go home. He just had one more period, and then he could go home and retreat to his bedroom lick his wounds, finally sheltered from everything that hurt. 

He input his combination for the third time, frustrated beyond belief. He really hated everything right now. And now he’d probably be late to his last class. Fucking great. 

He swung his locker door open furiously, creating a flurry of papers that flew out and drifted to the floor in a nice pile. They were stapled. Nice. 

He bent down to pick up the packet, breath ratcheting up a notch as he stared at the front page. 

The letters VS were written in Benji’s handwriting at the top. Benji’s song in its entirety was in Victor’s hands. He flipped through the packet awkwardly, his hands fumbling at the corners, tremors zapping through his fingers like he was a victim of electroshock therapy. 

The song was longer now, a full four pages of chords and note names and embellishments all over. He flipped to the last page, almost blacking out when he saw the drawing of himself on paper, right there in his hands, for him to have. He wanted to wonder why, what possessed Benji to give this to him, but he was too confused to really ask the right questions. Instead, his head kept repeating,  _ What does this mean? _

At the top of the drawing, though, was something new. In Benji’s handwriting were the words,  _ You're a terrible liar _ . Below that was the erased remnants of a detailed heart. But Benji obviously didn’t care enough to properly erase it. 

Victor just about swallowed his own tongue staring at the half-erased heart on the page. What did this mean? Did Benji care? Was he really not mad that Victor violates his privacy? 

Victor held the papers carefully to his chest, making his way to his last period. Whatever reasoning Benji has, Victor wouldn’t figure it out by being late to class. 

***

Slowly, carefully, Victor zipped up his duffel bag, Benji’s papers tucked beneath the flaps right on top. He’d decipher Benji’s message tonight, on the couch in his dad’s apartment. Since Victor hadn’t been there yet, they figured it’d be easiest to put him on the couch while Pilar and Adrian took the smaller bedroom and Armando slept in his master bedroom. Victor didn’t mind, really. It gave him some time alone with his thoughts without waking anyone up, and really, he was just glad he hadn’t been uninvited yet. 

As the weekends had passed, his father turned him down earlier and earlier each day, until it had gotten to the point that he’d tell him Thursday or Friday that he should keep his mom company upstairs. The fact that Armando hadn’t already told him to stay back seemed promising. And since his mom was going on a trip with a mother of a student, who was apparently her best friend, it would be nice to not be completely alone this week. 

Pilar sat down awkwardly beside Victor on the couch, both of them immediately angling themselves so that they were facing away. They hadn’t spoken to each other since she’d outed him, for which Victor was honestly grateful. He couldn’t take any more heartache. 

“Victor!” Adrian shouted, excited. He ran from his bedroom, oversized backpack bouncing on his shoulders. It was almost the size of himself. It was absolutely adorable. 

Victor smiled softly at his little brother, relieved to see how happy Adrian was just being with him. “Hey, man, you excited?”

“Oh yeah, I am! Especially since you’ll be coming!”

Adrian sat between Victor and Pilar. Pilar scooched away, continuing her broody scroll on TikTok. 

“I’m excited, too, man,” Victor said, wrapping an arm around Adrian. 

Isabel came out from her bedroom, smiling softly at her kids. “Look at you three, so cute.”

“Don’t lump me in with him,” Pilar snapped, turning further away. “Or you.”

Victor glanced down at his hands, ashamed. Of course. Pilar was still mad at him. She didn’t like that he was gay, either. Victor put distance between himself and Adrian. He didn’t want to hurt him, too. 

“Pilar, be nice,” Isabel told her. “You haven’t been a saint, either.”

“At least I—“

Pilar was interrupted by a knock on the door, and everyone except Victor sighed with relief. He could feel his hands trembling. A whole week with his sister and father. What a joy this would be. 

Armando opened the door without more prompting, accepting the hug Adrian flew at him with, shouting his excitement. Pilar stood, too, glad to be out of this apartment and in the one she obviously preferred. Victor stood behind them, watching. 

“Hey, Dad,” she said with a hint of a smile. 

He smiled back at her, big and bright, holding onto both of his kids like they were his world. And there was Victor, three feet behind them, like an outsider. He wasn’t Armando’s pride anymore. He was just a nuisance. 

“Hey guys,” Armando said, his smile bright. “I missed you two.”

Two. He missed two. 

“We missed you, too,” Pilar said, resting her head on his shoulder. 

Victor cleared his throat awkwardly, a pang hitting him in the center of his chest. Maybe he should’ve opted to stay home. 

“H-hey, Dad,” he said, his voice cracking. 

Armando’s face changed. His smile stuck, plastered to his face, though it was much smaller. It didn’t reach his eyes. His eyes were, in fact, empty, entirely devoid of emotion. It terrified Victor while simultaneously making him feel like he was laying in a casket, already dead, forcing his father to put on a brave face for the rest of the world. He wondered if his father’s face would be much different than it was now, creeping into carelessness the longer he stared at Victor. He wondered if he’d put on a face of grief for show, or if he’d just stop pretending. He wondered if he’d even grieve at all. It was starting to seem like nobody would. Felix had been distant. Everyone else had been careless. And here was his family, a perfect picture of a family of four, always seeming to forget there used to be a fifth. 

“Hey, Victor,” Armando said, voice sugary sweet. “How’ve you been?”

_ If you really wanted to know you would’ve let me into your damn apartment earlier, _ Victor wanted to say, but he forced his agitation down. No use putting another wedge between himself and his family. Hell, maybe this week would fix his problems. Maybe he’d finally be accepted as a Salazar. 

“I’m good,” he lied. “You?”

“Good, good,” Armando said, nonchalant. “Busy, mostly.”

“That why you haven’t had me over?” The words were out of Victor’s mouth before he could even think to stop it, before he was even aware he’d started speaking at all. 

The room was so quiet that they could hear a pin drop. Adrian shifted uncomfortably beside his father. Armando still hadn’t even risen from where he’d crouched to hug him. 

“Victor, I’ve been busy, and I don’t want your mother all alone up here.”

Victor shook his head. He didn’t want to fix this anymore. He just wanted to stop pretending. “She hasn’t been the one up here all alone, I have.”

Armando pinched his lips together, uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, Victor, I didn’t know. Why don’t you come down and we can talk?”

Victor rolled his eyes. He was done pretending things were the same. He was done pretending he could change things with his parents, and he was done pretending they still cared about him. He was done pretending. He was just done. “Why don’t you eat a brick, Armando?”

Isabel gasped, shouting Victor’s full name, middle and all, but Victor just pushed past her to his bedroom. There was shouting from Isabel in the living room, and soft mutterings from Armando. Adrian asking Pilar what was going on. Pilar shushing him and taking his bag. 

Victor didn’t pay any mind to any of it. He was done pretending things could be changed. He was done pretending he was still a part of this family. He was done pretending things were okay. He was just done. 

“Victor Salazar, get out of your room right now!” Isabel called through the door. 

Victor didn’t answer, just let the tears run down his face, lower lip trembling, quiet sobs slipping freely from between his lips. He didn’t care anymore. He was done. He was just done. 

“Victor, I will give you three seconds!”

He was so done with everything. So, so done. 

“One!”

He wanted to die. 

“Two!”

He hated himself so much, and his family hated him, too. 

“Three!”

“Go away!” He screamed, voice wrecked, and he sobbed loudly. “Just go away.”

There was silence, and then Isabel’s footsteps as she retreated. 

And Victor was alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? Pls? Uwu


	14. When the Healing Comes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this isn’t exactly plausible but it makes me happy so leave me tf alone

So maybe Victor got a little wasted last night. And by a little, it really was a lot. 

He’d polished off his parents’ forgotten bottle of vodka, crying his eyes out while his mother spent hours talking to Armando in their apartment. What to do with Victor… 

Victor was exhausted that Saturday morning, his head pounding, ears ringing, vision pulsing. He pushed himself up to his feet, swaying, lurching into the wall. A part of him wondered if he was still drunk. He’d never gotten drunk before. He’d never done anything like this. But he was so desperate to feel better and he was so tired of trying to be perfect for everyone and he was just so, so exhausted. So he opened up the bottle of liquor and he drank himself into slumber. 

Victor pitched himself forward, lurching this way and that all the way to the bathroom. He dropped to his knees in front of the toilet and emptied the sick inside him, purged himself of the leftover dredged of alcohol and the pain twisting his chest. He wished desperately that he could be different. He wished that he could be straight. He wished he could love Mia like he was supposed to, clumsy hands reaching blindly under skirts and tangling into curly, curly hair. 

But he didn’t. He couldn’t. 

He was gay. 

Victor sat forward, emptying his stomach further. 

And so the morning went on. 

***

Victor waited nervously at Waffle House, picking blindly at his cuticles, glancing furtively all over the restaurant. Simon told him to wait there and there’d be a surprise coming, which was, really, just terrifying. Victor couldn’t deal with any more surprises lately. He couldn’t take more pain. 

He glanced around again. There was a pair of old men with long beards and leather jackets staring lovingly at each other over their paired pork chops for breakfast. There was a group of what looked like five eclectic people opening the front door. There was a family of four, two young parents with two toddlers, trying to wrestle them back into their seats and convincing them to pick a meal off the kids’ menu. No giveaway as to why he was here. 

Victor watched the family for a moment. He wondered what those kids’ names were. How old were they? Had they dressed themselves? It looked a bit like it. The little girl was wearing a hot pink t-shirt with a unicorn on it paired with cheetah print leggings. She had different colored bow-shaped beads at the ends of her tiny braids. She kept shaking her head, doglike, and laughing as the array of colors went up around her like a rainbow. 

He wondered if her parents would still love her if she liked girls instead of boys. 

The little girl caught his eye and gave him a crinkled smile. She was happy to be here. Happy to be alive. Happy to have beads at the ends of her braids. 

Victor returned the smile as best he could, giving her a small nod, standing. Whatever Simon had sent ahead wasn’t coming. Maybe Victor could find another bottle of alcohol to drown himself in after his mom left for her trip. Actually, she might have already been gone. She said she’d leave before noon, and Victor was pretty sure the plans were too rigid for her to delay the trip or bail. Maybe he’d go home to an empty apartment. Maybe he’d be alone for four days and cry as much as he fucking wanted to. Maybe he’d—

“Vic, you okay?” 

Victor glanced up, shocked momentarily from his depressive spiral. “Simon?”

He blinked a few times to make sure he was seeing right, and, yep, Simon Spier was right in front of him, smiling, even as he looked concerned. 

“Surprise,” Simon said softly. 

Victor could feel his chin beginning to tremble, so he just let himself fall into Simon’s arms. The other four surrounded them, holding him tight, muttering words of soft encouragement. 

“We’re here, Victor,” Bram said. The group pulled away, letting Victor dry his tears. “We’re here now.”

Victor sighed his relief. “I’ve missed you guys.”

Justin pulled him into another hug, squeezing his shoulders tight. “We’ve missed you, too.”

“Did you eat yet?” Bram asked. “Because we haven’t.”

Victor shook his head, gesturing at the table he’d stood from. “No. Let’s sit.”

Everyone followed Victor into the booth and a waitress came by with five more menus. 

The table was quiet for a while. Victor took slow, careful breaths, breathing in the ease he felt right then. Justin casually reached an arm across his shoulder, resting his elbow on Victor’s opposite side, stroking his hair softly as he pondered the tiny diner menu. Victor just leaned his head back and accepted his touch. No one had touched him since Felix hugged him weeks ago, and now that someone had their hands on him, he was more than happy to let it happen. 

When the waitress came, she was smiling softly at all five of them, especially at Simon and Bram. They’d apparently gone constantly before moving to NYC, getting themselves quite the reputation in high school. The wait staff were all delighted to see them, all coming over to say a quick hi. Bram kept getting shy under all the attention. Simon would nudge him softly each time, and he’d kiss his head, and Victor so desperately wished he could be happy like that with someone. He wished he could be happy like that with Mia. He wished he could be happy. 

They ordered their food, and the gang spoke with each other for a while. Victor was just content to be with his family. 

***

“No, other places do not have a Spring Equinox festival,” Victor said, to which everyone shook their heads in agreement while Simon and Bram stared at them like they were all crazy. 

“That makes no sense,” Bram said to himself. He shook his head and laid out the blanket, letting Simon put weights on each side so the sheet wouldn’t move or blow away. It was a windy day, and Victor kept brushing his hair from his eyes, but he was beyond content. He was happy. He wasn’t alone anymore. 

Justin put the picnic basket down daintily in the center and everyone sat down around it. Justin dragged Victor between himself and Ivy. Simon sat between Bram’s legs while Ivy threw their feet into Simon’s lap. Victor felt at ease; he felt at home. 

Victor glanced around from his spot, looking at all the other groups there. Everyone was joking around as Victor observed the festival. Kim yelled at Justin, who in turn told them to spank him and turned around. Bram threw his head back laughing, almost pulling both himself and Simon back, as Kim smack Justin on the ass with three rapid swats. They were earning looks from the less-than-accepting festival goers, and suddenly, Victor felt wildly uncomfortable. They were being much too gay in public for his taste. 

He glanced around again, trying to figure out ways to get them to calm down, when he saw Mia walking this way. Victor was about to black out when he realized that it was actually  _ everybody _ walking this way, confused, their sight zeroed in on Victor. 

“Oh, fuck me,” Victor muttered. 

Justin glanced at him as he sat back down. “Is there a problem?”

“Ah, well—“

“Victor?” Mia asked, smiling. Her brows were furrowed with confusion, but she looked happy all the same. “Hey, I didn’t think you’d be here today.”

Felix sat down in an empty spot beside Kim. “Hey, guys!” 

Kim stared at him like a new species. “What are you?”

“I’m Felix, Victor’s best bud!” 

Victor pinched the bridge of his nose. “Felix, chill.”

“I like it,” Lake said pointedly as she sat down beside him. “Not that liking things is really your style, Victor.”

“Sort of a weird blow, girl,” Justin said. 

“You don’t know anything about what went on.” Lake told him, brow arched. 

“No, I think  _ you _ don’t know anything about what went on, honey, so maybe you should take your attitude and shove it—“

“Justin!” Victor and Simon shouted at once, even as Kim was egging him on. 

“Chill, both of you,” Felix said. “We’re all here to celebrate Spring.”

Victor glanced up at Mia, just about ready to swallow his tongue when he saw Benji standing beside her. “Hey, Mia. Hey, Benji.”

Benji gave him an awkward nod while Mia gave a soft smile. “Hey, Victor.”

“Wait,” Ivy interrupted. “ _ That’s  _ Mia?” Victor nodded, and she looked between him and Mia, absolutely flabbergasted. “Jeez. Well, Mia, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but you are so very beautiful. I can see why Victor was questioning his sexuality because of you.”

Justin snorted. “Ivy I seem to remember you using an eerily similar pick up line on a girl in Messy Boots.”

Ivy’s jaw dropped. Victor and Simon laughed together. 

“That’s right!” Victor shouted, surprisingly at ease. “What was her name? Regina?”

“No, I think Catarina,” Simon said. 

“Melina?” Justin added. 

Ivy scrunched her face. “I don’t know.”

Everyone laughed. “Well, you know, names don’t really matter.”

“Psh, you didn’t even get past names.” Justin told him, knocking his shoulder into Victor’s. Bram bust out laughing as Justin said, “I want the pretty boy to sit next to me.” 

Victor bit his lip, casting his gaze downward. “I have no clue what you’re talking about, Justin.”

Simon glanced at Bram, then Justin. “What are you guys talking about?”

Mia sat, pulling Andrew down with her. Benji sighed and sat beside her. 

“Wait, you weren’t there?” Ivy asked. 

“No,” Bram said, “this was before Simon came in to save the day.”

“Well, shit,” Justin said, “he’s gotta know.”

Victor shook his head. “No. No he does not.”

“Yes he does,” Bram said, a shit-eating grin on his face. “Simon, about five minutes before you came and ran into Victor on the sidewalk, he had a little run in with a guy named…”

“Mike!” Kim and Justin yelled in unison. 

Victor buried his face in his hands, cheeks hot. “Please stop talking.”

“So, Victor was just sitting at the bar relaxing, and this cute guy comes up,” Justin told them. “And he looks at Victor and goes, ‘hey, I’m Mike.’”

Bram giggled. “And Victor, what did you say?”

Victor groaned. “I said ‘nice.’”

“Jesus fucking Christ, he’s hopeless,” Simon said. “We can’t help him.”

“Don’t act like you’re any better,” Bram said. 

“I’m sorry, what was that, dear?”

Bram pursed his lips. “I didn’t say anything.”

Simon rolled his eyes, a soft smile playing at his lips. “Sure.”

“Wait, okay, back up,” Lake said. Victor felt a stone drop in his stomach as he watched her connecting the dots. “Victor cheated on Mia.”

Justin and Kim exchanged a look. Felix winced. “Oof.”

“Are we just going to ignore that?”

“No, we’ll spank him for it,” Justin said offhandedly. 

Lake glared at him. “I’m serious.”

“So are we,” Kim said. 

Victor glanced at Justin. “I don’t want you to spank me.”

“You’ll like it.”

Kim rolled their eyes. “Justin, shut up.”

“Just, okay.” Lake took a deep breath. “Victor kissed another girl while he was dating Mia.”

“I told her she didn’t know everything,” Justin said pointedly. Kim smacked his arm. 

“What are you talking about?” Lake asked, glancing at Mia. “That’s what you told me.”

Mia gave her an apologetic look. “I couldn’t out him.”

Lake stared at her. “So, he didn’t cheat on you?”

Victor bit his lip. “What a fun festival this is turning out to be.”

Justin pat his head. “There, there, baby gay, it’ll be A-okay.”

“Shut up.”

“Answer me,” Lake said.

“Lake,” Victor cringed at himself. “I’m… gay. I guess.”

“You guess.” Justin muttered. 

“Shut up.”

“You’re a homo.”

“I said  _ shut up _ .”

“You’re the one who said it first.”

Victor took a deep breath. “I did kiss someone else, though. Not a girl.”

“I feel like I should leave,” Benji said. 

Victor very pointedly did not look at him. “That’s up to you.”

“Stay,” Mia said. “Please.”

Victor looked up at Benji, who looked right back at him. They stared, lost, waiting for the staring contest to end. 

“I’ll stay.”

“You know,” Andrew piped up, “we left our stuff over there.”

“I’ll go get it,” Benji jumped up, practically running over to their things. 

“Victor, what the fuck,” Justin said. 

Victor leaned against him with a groan. “Fuck.”

Justin pat his head again. “You’re in deep shit there, girl.”

Victor sighed, opening his eyes to look up at him sadly. “I’m still not a girl.”

Justin frowned as Benji came back. “So, Victor, how do you know these guys?”

“Oh,” Victor sat up, relieved by the subject change. “I messaged Simon when I moved here.”

“And how’d you meet  _ Mike _ ?” Was that jealousy in Benji’s voice? After all of this, was Benji jealous someone tried to… flirt with him? 

Victor shrugged. “Gay club in NYC.”

Benji glanced up. “When’d you go to New York?”

Victor groaned. “Can someone please ask someone else some questions?” 

Benji muttered an apology, and Justin just laughed. 

“Shit, that reminds me,” Simon sat up, and Bram frowned. He tugged Simon’s hand back, which he offered with no argument. “Vic, I wanted to take you to a gay restaurant in Atlanta that my friend took me to when I came out. It’s really fun.”

Victor nodded. “I’m down.”

“Baby gay’s second outing,” Kim said with the same face one would make at a baby making noises. 

“Wow, just ignore when I took him to play ball.” Bram said. 

Simon rolled his eyes. “Sports.”

Bram gave Victor a look. “What did I say? Painfully unathletic.”

Victor smiled. “That was fun.”

Lake glanced between everyone. “This is so weird. Does this mean we’re not mad at Victor anymore?”

Mia shrugged. “I’m not.”

Lake eyed him for a long time. “Okay.”

***

Everything was rainbow, and Victor loved it. 

He was still reeling from his afternoon with everyone at the festival, the familiar sense of homeliness with his friends. He was overwhelmed by it all, the way his two lives merged like two stars becoming one. Everything was perfect, and he was drunk off of it. 

Bram and Simon stood from their seats at the group’s high rise table, hand in hand, looking mildly embarrassed. “We’ll be back,” Simon said, blush burning bright even in the dim light of the restaurant. 

Justin rolled his eyes. “Rabbits.”

Victor furrowed his brows, lost, but everyone else just laughed. Bram rolled his eyes and tugged Simon toward the bathroom. 

“What do you mean ‘rabbits?’” Victor asked Justin. 

Kim snorted. “God, what an innocent baby you are. You know what they’re doing in there?”

Victor shrugged. “Going to the bathroom?”

Ivy and Justin shared a laugh. 

“Honey,” Kim said, clicking their tongue, “they’re gonna fuck.”

Victor's eyes bulged. “ _ Now _ ?”

Kim nodded and took a sip of their tea. “Now, honey.”

“Why?”

“It’s a gay club,” Justin said with a shrug. “That’s what people do.”

Victor looked around at the patrons, the flirty eyes all over the place. It  _ did _ feel like Messy Boots, if only a little smaller. The energy was softer, too. 

“Speaking of,” Ivy said as she stood. She downed the rest of her beer, sending a wink to the table. “Wish me luck.”

Kim shook their head. “I can’t believe them.”

Justin and Victor exchanged a glance. 

“We know you want to,” Justin said in a singsong. Victor bit his lip, waiting for Kim to respond. Instead, they got up and sped over to someone by the bar, introducing themselves. 

Justin laughed, and Victor eyed him for a moment. “What about you?” He asked. “Don’t you want to go find somebody?”

“What, and abandon the prefrosh?” Justin shoved Victor’s shoulder playfully. “No way. You’re stuck with me, kid.”

Victor smiled softly. “Justin? Can I ask you something?”

Justin quickly swallowed the sip he’d taken of his pina colada. “Mhm. What’s up?”

Victor pursed his lips, unsure about how to proceed. “Well… okay, did you ever come out to your parents?”

Justin sighed. He put his drink down and braced his hands on his knees. “No. I never told them. I don’t talk to them anymore, either, so they don’t know. And I don’t plan on ever talking to them again, because I know how they’d feel.”

Victor nodded to himself. He couldn’t imagine a world where he didn’t talk to his family. But, then again, wasn’t this that world? Wasn’t he already exiled from the Salazars, if not physically then at least mentally? 

“Victor,” Justin said softly, “I know it’s hard right now. And I can’t imagine how hard it is. But it’s okay.” He put a hand on Victor’s knee, and they looked at each other, eyes locked as if it was the most important thing in the world. “It’ll be okay.”

But it wasn’t, and it wouldn’t. He was a failure, and there was nothing anyone could do about it now. “But what if it isn’t? What if my family never loves me again? What if they don’t want me ever again? What if I’m always known as the family mistake?”

Justin squeezed his knee. “You are not a mistake, Victor, do you hear me?”

Victor shook his head, sobbing lightly. “It hurts so bad, Justin, I don’t know what to do. I can’t go a day without feeling how badly it hurts. I mean, my sister outed me to my family. Do you know how fucked up that is?”

Just nodded, his own eyes bright with tears. “I know. It's not okay, what she did to you. And you don’t have to forgive her for it. You know that, right?”

Victor shrugged, wiping his nose. “I don’t know. I just… I wish things were different. I wish I weren’t in love with Benji and I wish I didn’t kiss him and I wish I never cheated on Mia and I wish… I just wish I wasn’t gay. I wish I was straight. I wish I’m straight.”

“No,” Justin said, more fierce than Victor had ever seen him. “No, Victor, absolutely not. You are who you are.” His eyes were alight with tears, a smoldering blaze that lit the dead coals in Victor’s stomach. “You are you, you understand me? Never, ever,  _ ever _ wish to be anybody else. That somebody else would be so fucking lame and annoying and  _ fake _ . Fuck straight people. Being straight and being average is boring and overrated. Live yourself. Love yourself.”

Victor stared at him, and Justin stared right back, until he pulled him into a tight hug, and Victor’s light flame was once again a raging fire inside. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make my day happier


	15. Where Flowers Bloom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was 100% gonna change the way this story went but given I had no clue how to Do that and I also was a month late I decided to not do that so here’s this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I’m so sorry. Like,,, I’m really sorry. I have missed writing so much but it’s just been impossible to find the time, what with school and the election and just,,, everything. My mental health has taken a turn for the much worse. But Biden won and this is great news so here’s a chapter

An empty apartment wasn’t much worse than living as a ghost. And with both of Victor’s siblings staying at their dad’s and his mom out of town for a few days, Victor was honestly glad to be alone. Plus, he could spend as much time as he wanted with everyone from New York and he wouldn’t have to worry about scornful glances from his mother or the cold shoulder from his father. It was a relief. A part of him felt guilty for being glad his family wasn’t around, but the majority of the time, that part was overshadowed by the sheer jubilance bubbling in his chest when he remembered that, for four days, he was free. He was free. 

Victor sat at the piano, playing slowly, fingers stumbling over the keys as he played a new song. He sang the words softly, chuckling at himself when he forgot the words. 

“Mama told me,” he sang, “when I was young. ‘Come sit beside me, my only son. And listen closely to what I say. For if you do this, it’ll help you some sunny day.’”

After a while, the song flowed from his fingertips and from his throat with ease. The smile slipped from his lips and his brows knitted with passion, and he felt the words in his soul, felt everything, felt the music he made in his chest, and when it was time to belt, he let it out with everything he had in him, everything that was hurting him, everything that was choking him, everything, everything, everything. 

“And be a simple kind of man! Be something you love and understand! And be a simple kind of man! Won’t you do this, for me son, if you can.”

His voice cracked, and he hit a wrong note on the piano, and it all became too much. His family hated him and his friends were mad at him and he was a terrible person. He’d hurt everyone he knew in one night. He’d hurt everyone. He’d hurt himself. 

He sat at the piano, sobbing with all the pain he had in him, sobbing until there was nothing left inside him to let out. But the pain was still there. 

He was starting to think the pain would always be there. 

***

Victor woke up to the sunlight streaming through his curtains. His face felt dried and puffy, and his lungs hurt with the force of his sobs from the night before. And yet nothing felt better. He didn’t feel better. Nothing was better. 

He groped around his bed for his phone. He felt it finally among the sheets and pillows he’d thrown around during his mental break last night. He groaned when he saw it was dead. Next, he looked around lazily for his charger, plugged in his phone, then stumbled to the bathroom. He took a piss and brushed his teeth while he waited for the water to warm up for his shower. He stood under the scalding water for a moment, letting the heat cleanse him of his shame as much as it could, though it seemed nearly impossible at this point to get rid of it all. 

When he got back to his room, his hair dripping wet and his skin slightly pinker than usual, his phone was lighting up with a notification. He groaned and ignored it, drying himself off and throwing on a pair of sweats and a T-shirt. He grabbed his phone and scrolled through his notifications. There were three missed calls and seven texts over the course of the night from… Benji. 

Victor nearly blacked out, his throat closing like an allergic reaction. Why had Benji called him? Was there a problem? Did he do something wrong?

He read through the texts, another band constricting his lungs with each one he read. 

**Benji, 10:41 P.M.: one missed call**

**Benji, 10:42 P.M.: Hey V. Can we talk?**

**Benji, 11:26 P.M.: one missed call**

**Benji, 11:27 P.M.: Are you asleep?**

**Benji, 11:28 P.M.: Well I guess you can’t text if you’re sleeping. Um. Let me know when you get this.**

**Benji, 12:02 A.M.: god you’re really living in my mind rent free tonight I just**

**Benji, 12:02 A.M.: I really need to talk to you**

**Benji, 12:02 A.M.: I really fucking miss you Vic**

**Benji, 10:05 A.M.: one missed call**

**Benji, 10:05 A.M.: Victor?**

Victor swore to himself and checked the time. 10:09. 

Dread pooled in his stomach even as he typed his password in and hit call on Benji’s icon. The phone rang twice before he picked up. 

“Uh, hi,” Benji said awkwardly. 

“Hey,” Victor whispered. 

Silence. 

“What was it you wanted to talk about?” Victor asked. 

Benji sucked in a breath. “Ah, right. Um. I just…” He blew out a breath and cursed quietly. “Can we talk? In person? Today?”

Victor swallowed uncomfortably, biting into his lip. “Yeah. When do you want to talk?”

“Ah, meet me in an hour at the Brasstown on 19th?”

Victor nodded. “Yeah, sure, I can do that.”

“Good. I’ll see you then.”

“See you,” Victor whispered. He held his breath, held his phone to his ear even after Benji ended the call. This didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel real. Was Victor dreaming? Was he in heaven? Or hell?

He stood in front of his mirror, staring at his reflection. He needed to do his hair. And put on a pair of jeans. And maybe change his shirt. 

Good God, he was stressing. He was stressing again. Oh God, what did Benji want to talk about?

He’d said he missed him. What if he aimed to do something about it?

Victor stepped carefully into a pair of ripped jeans, his vision blurring so much it took nearly three minutes just to get his feet in both legs. He changed his shirt three times, consistently dissatisfied with his potential wardrobe options. Eventually, he just gave up and settled on a white shirt with a zip up hoodie over it. He went to the bathroom to do anything with his hair, only to drop hair gel on his shirt. 

He leaned back against the wall, his breaths coming heavy. What was he stressing about? At the end of the day, it wouldn’t matter. At the end of the day, Benji would still hate him. At the end of the day, Victor would still come back to an empty apartment and once again cry himself to sleep. 

He finished his hair then changed into a soft grey shirt and threw his sweatshirt back over it. Outside his room, he contemplated eating, but decided, screw it, he was nauseous enough as it was. 

He slipped into his sneakers and walked out the door, his stomach turning like he was walking to his execution. 

***

No matter how hard he tried, Victor couldn’t stop bouncing his leg. Benji was two minutes late. He was two and a half minutes late. He was three minutes late. 

Victor pressed his fists to his eyes as he shifted on the uncomfortable couch, pushing out a sharp breath. He was trembling all over now, his hands so shaky he couldn’t even put his coffee to his lips without nearly spilling it all over himself. Caffeine may have been a bad idea. 

What if Benji wasn’t coming? What if this was just a way to get back at Victor for being as terrible as he was? What if Benji was just taking one last chance to get back at Victor for everything he’d done? 

Victor choked back tears as he stood. He supposed it wasn’t like he didn’t deserve it. It wasn’t like he’d hurt too many people too many times to be forgiven. 

He turned and nearly walked directly into a body. He kept his eyes down and muttered an apology when a hand grabbed his arm. 

“Victor,” Benji said, his voice like music. “I’m sorry I’m so late, my dad was being, ah, difficult.”

Victor stared at Benji, stared at his face, his smile, stared into his kind eyes like it was the first time he was seeing him all over again. He sat back down, silent. 

Benji sat with him, staring at the small table in front of them. “Victor, I’m really sorry.”

Victor could’ve thrown up all the nothing he had in his stomach. “Benji, it, uh, it’s okay. It was just a few minutes.”

Benji finally met his eyes. “Not that. Everything.” He shifted so he was facing Victor more. Their knees brushed. “Victor, when you kissed me, I wanted it. I had been wanting it for… a long time. But I thought you were straight, and when you kissed me, I wasn’t sure if you were just doing it because you wanted to experiment, or—“

“I would never do that to you, Benji,” Victor cut in. “I swear. I would never do that to you or Mia.”

Benji nodded as he chewed his bottom lip, distracting Victor just a bit. His lips were so soft, and Victor knew that now. He knew what it was like to kiss Benji, to kiss someone he was actually attracted to. He knew what it was like. And it couldn’t have been more wrong. 

He looked away, looked at the outdated striped pattern on the couch and very pointedly did not look at Benji’s face again. 

“I know that now, Victor,” Benji told him. “I just— will you please look at me?”

Reluctantly, Victor lifted his eyes to Benji’s, but he didn’t see anger or annoyance; he only saw pain. 

“I should’ve been there for you,” Benji said. “I should’ve been a better friend to you. I should’ve gone after you, and helped you, but— I was scared.”

Victor shook his head. “You didn’t have to do any of that, Benji. I kissed you. That was unfair. I put you in a tough spot.”

“But you didn’t.” Benji stressed. “I put myself on that spot. I wanted you, Victor, but I was too scared to admit it. I was too scared to change things for the better. And I hurt you.”

Victor shrugged. “It’s okay. I was… things weren’t good. From any aspect. And I latched onto you, and it wasn’t healthy, especially after everything happened. I took it too far, and I’m sorry.”

Benji sighed and moved a bit closer. Their knees were touching now. “You don’t have anything to apologize for. Things were really hard for you. And I didn’t make it any easier. You were just… trying to have something. And I took it away.”

Victor stared at where their knees touched. “That’s not your fault.”

Benji hooked his fingers beneath Victor’s chin, lifting his gaze up and stealing his breath. “Victor, please. Just… please.”

“Please what,” Victor whispered back, his voice gone. 

“I need you to understand this.” Benji dropped his hand; Victor missed the touch. “You did nothing wrong. Well, okay, the cheating thing, but really, Vic. You don’t need to apologize.” His hand rested on Victor’s knee, stroking his thumb over the rip in his jeans. “You’ve already been forgiven. A thousand times over. I was scared, but I’m not anymore.” He sighed and watched his hand stall on Victor’s knee. “I’ve liked you for a really long time, Victor. I just didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to admit my relationship wasn’t good. I didn’t want to admit I’d fallen for you.” He chewed his lip again, thousands of emotions conflicting in his eyes. Victor couldn’t name a single one of them. “But these last few weeks without you have been… impossible. I’ve been losing my mind without you. You make me… really happy. You make me feel safe, Victor.” He looked up at him again, resolute. “You make me feel right.”

Victor stared at him. “But— everything I’ve done to you—“

“Doesn’t matter,” Benji stressed. “People do things when they’re stuck. And you were really stuck, Vic. You were just doing what you could.” He sighed and gave a tiny smile. “You actually handled it a lot better than me. You know, the whole… coming out thing.”

Victor averted his gaze, then forced himself to look back. “But I hurt you.”

Benji shook his head. “No you didn’t. Not me, not really. I pushed you away. I should’ve helped you. I saw how scared you were. And I should’ve helped you.” 

“You’re here now.” Victor reminded him. 

Benji nodded. “I’ll make it up to you. All this… I swear I will.”

“You don’t—“

“I do. Starting with this.” Benji took a deep breath. “I really, really like you, Victor. And if it’s not too late, I’d really,  _ really _ like to go out with you. If you’d like that.”

Victor purses his lips to curb a smile. “Are you sure?”

Benji nodded. “Of course I’m sure.”

Victor nodded, too. “I’d like that.”

Benji reaches carefully for Victor’s hand, and Victor let him take it. He was so very relieved, albeit a little terrified to be holding hands with a boy in public. But it’d be okay. It’d be okay. Maybe things could change. 

***

Victor felt like he was walking on air the whole way home. He’d sat with Benji for nearly another hour, just holding his hand and talking. He told Benji about his New York trip in a bit more detail, and Benji told him in turn how his band broke up and he got a new band which bonded much better. Victor told him briefly about his family; Benji squeezed his hand tight and listened intently, expressing his sorrow through his eyes and his words. Victor finally, finally,  _ finally  _ felt heard. 

Even with everything with his family, just with Benji and everyone from New York, Victor felt more like himself than he had in years. He was finally becoming who he wanted to be. 

As Victor was approaching his building, a little car pulled up beside him with a bunch of catcall whistles. He glanced over, more shocked than anything, only to find Ivy with her head poked out the back window and a disgruntled Justin, no doubt a knee digging into his thigh. 

“Victor!” Ivy called. “Lunch!”

Victor hopped in the car, taking his spot on Justin’s lap, laughing with everyone on their way to Waffle House. He wasn’t sure what their obsession was with the place, but he had to admit they had a great pork chop. 

They ordered and sipped on their drink, chatting about anything they could. Victor was laughing so hard his lungs hurt. His smile was so big his cheeks were sore. And yet he couldn’t be happier. He just could not be happier. 

His phone buzzed in the middle of Bram regaling everyone on his most recent practice with the gay league, and everyone paused and turned to Victor. He felt like a chip being eyed by all the seagulls at the beach. 

“What was that?” Ivy asked. 

Justin made grabby hands for Victor’s phone. “I wanna see.”

“Let the boy check his own phone!” Bram chastised. 

Victor shot him a grateful look and glanced down, his heart warming when he saw a text from Benji. 

**Benji, 1:27 P.M.: I’m really glad I got to see you today <3**

“Well?” Justin asked impatiently. Kim smacked him on the arm, but Justin just waved them off. 

Victor rolled his eyes and put his phone in the middle of the table with the screen facing up so everyone could see the text. 

“Oh, my God, Victor, a  _ heart emoji _ !” Ivy shouted. 

“Explain?” Justin said. Simon looked at him, eyes alight with excitement, while Bram rested his chin on his boyfriend’s shoulder. Kim turned so they could look at him better. 

Victor just shrugged. “We met up today and talked. He said he was sorry for the way he treated me. And now, I guess we’re together.”

The table blew up. “Holy shit, Vic!” Simon exclaimed. Justin and Ivy squeezed him unbearably tight while Kim was screaming “yes, yes, yes” over and over. Simon was shoving Victor’s phone toward him so he could text Benji back, and Bram was watching them, lips pursed into a coy smile, absolutely delighted. 

Yeah. Things were looking up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I don’t really deserve em because im So late but maybe some comments? Would be nice? That’d definitely be something 👀👀👀👀


	16. What a Heavenly Way to Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heh. Sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so here’s the thing 
> 
> Depression has been hugging me like a brick fortress and I have not been able to get out. A few of you have been asking me how I’m doing since I’ve posted like twice in the last three months, so the answer is I am suffocating under the weight of stress, anxiety, personal life, and school, and I often feel like dying ❤️❤️❤️ Thanks for your concern
> 
> Sorry this chapter is so short. I wish I had more time to write. It’s what I want to do.

Victor was absolutely not going to wake up first thing in the morning and text Benji. He would wait like a decent person. He would wait and let Benji breathe, let him wake up and enjoy his morning. 

**Victor, 9:19 A.M.: good morning <3**

Or, he wouldn’t do that. 

Victor made his way to the bathroom after hitting send (totally not after five minutes of deliberation, no way) and he jumped in the shower, euphoric. He had friends, and he had Benji. And whatever Benji wanted to be right now, Victor would take it. No doubt he’d tire of him soon, but Victor would take what he could get during a time of such social drought. 

When he got back to his room, towel tied around his waist and rivulets still dripping from his hair down his skin, he saw he’d missed a text and a snap from Benji. 

**Benji, 9:21 A.M.: good morning beautiful <3**

Victor pursed his lips tight, but even that couldn’t stop his smile from bursting across his face. Benji thought he was beautiful. 

Victor’s phone buzzed with an incoming text less than a minute later. 

**Benji, 9:33 A.M.: what are your plans today?**

Victor chewed the inside of his cheek, thinking about his response. Did he even have any? Not until dinner, he didn’t think. 

**Victor, 9:34 A.M.: nothing much. Hbu?**

**Benji, 9:34 A.M.: same**

**Benji, 9:35 A.M.: I know we got together literally yesterday and things are bad w your fam and I know everyone from nyc is down but I don’t suppose you’d want to go out today?**

**Benji, 9:35 A.M.: I have a plan**

**Benji, 9:35 A.M.: and don’t worry you can say no ofc**

**Benji, 9:35 A.M.: I really need to stop spamming you omg**

Victor laughed to himself and quickly typed out a response. 

**Victor, 9:35 A.M.: I think it’s cute**

**Victor, 9:36 A.M.: I don’t have any plans today until around 5ish**

**Benji, 9:36 A.M.: nice**

**Benji, 9:36 A.M.: I mean not nice like you don’t have plans**

**Benji, 9:36 A.M.: I mean nice bc like,,, we could do something? Maybe?**

**Benji, 9:37 A.M.: I’m really trying to make up for being an asshole recently but now I’m just sounding like a fool**

**Benji, 9:38 A.M.: I’ll stop talking now**

Victor rolled his eyes fondly. He couldn’t wipe that stupid smile off his face. 

**Victor, 9:39 A.M.: we could do something. I’d like that**

**Victor, 9:39 A.M.: and you don’t have to apologize!! Chill. It’s fine.**

He opened his Snapchat, smiling when he caught a glimpse of Benji’s good morning selfie, shirtless and sleepy and smiling. He saved it to his phone and took a quick selfie to send back, then quickly got dressed. By the time he was towel drying his hair, he’d gotten a text message and a snap from Benji. 

He opened the snap first, delighted to see Benji’s reddened cheeks and wide eyes, with the caption  **I know you did not just send me a post-shower pic**

Victor swallowed heavily and took a blurry picture of himself frowning. He captioned it:  **so what if I did? 👀**

His phone buzzed with another text and he switched over to find two texts from Benji. 

**Benji, 9:40 A.M.: so do you think we could go out today? Say, noon?**

**Benji, 9:46 A.M.: Victor Salazar you will be the death of me**

His phone buzzed with a snap, and he opened it with extreme trepidation; a shirtless bathroom selfie of Benji. His abs were in clear view, making Victor’s mouth water as he stared for God knew how long. He refrained from saving that picture to his phone, too, instead opting to text Benji back. 

**Victor Salazar, 9:49 A.M.: and you, me**

***

Benji was waiting for Victor as he arrived, a blanket with a small picnic laid out in the grass. Victor glanced around the park, unsure whether it was smart to sit with him. There were families littered across the grounds, kids running around playing games while parents lounged, talking and watching and ignoring. 

The two boys gave each other tentative smiles, and Victor sat on the blanket. 

“I’m glad you could make it today,” Benji said softly. 

Victor pursed his lips, pleased. “Me too. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.” He cringed to himself immediately after he finished talking. “Sorry, that’s probably weird—“

“No,” Benji rushed. “It’s okay. I feel the same way about you.” He shrugged shyly. “I actually haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since… you kissed me. In Willacoochie.”

Victor felt his cheeks heat. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since we first met,” he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “And that kiss, I…”

“Can’t stop replaying it in your head?” Benji asked with a breathy chuckle. “Me either. I tried, but… you got to me, Victor.” 

Victor bit his lip, risking a glance at Benji’s earnest face. “You got to me.” He sighed roughly. “I honestly thought you’d hate me forever.”

Benji shook his head. “I wanted to. But I couldn’t.” He inched closer, voice lowering to a whisper. “The truth is, I think I’ve liked you since we first met.”

Shockingly, Victor laughed. “That explains  _ Call Me Maybe _ .”

Benji laughed, too, his hair falling into his face. “Yeah, I guess.” He fell onto his back with a huff. “I just wanted to let you know what I was thinking. But even I wasn’t sure what that was. My band was so pissed at me for pulling that new song out of nowhere, but I knew it was important. You wouldn’t even be there. But I needed you to see it. I don’t know why, but I did.” He ran a hand through his hair, huffing out a breath. “I mean, I know why now. But back then, I was confusing myself a lot.”

Victor lay back with him, biting his lip. “I know how you feel. I was so confused about whether I liked Mia. But I think it should’ve been obvious when I felt nauseous at the idea of taking things to the next level. Or even maybe when the main thing I liked about kissing her was that she wore blue raspberry flavored lip gloss.”

Benji snorted. “Yeah, I think that should’ve been a bit of a giveaway.”

Victor smiled to himself, lost in memory. “Yeah…”

Benji rolled over so he was facing Victor. “What was the main thing you liked about kissing me?” Benji cringed, closing his eyes. He shook his head rapidly. “You don’t have to answer that, I—“

“Hush.” Victor bit his lip again, shrugging shyly. “I mean, I’d need a bit of a refresher, but…” he rolled over to face Benji. “I’m not sure I could even pick just one.” He studied Benji for a moment, reminded himself of what it was like to kiss him that night, how much he’d ached for that kiss. “I think the first thing I noticed was how soft your lips were.” He stuffed down his embarrassment, his blush, and kept talking. “I liked being able to run my fingers through your hair. And over your jaw.” His eyes trailed down to Benji’s hands laying innocently in front of his chest. He ran his finger over the back of one, and Benji opened his hand so Victor could hold it. “I liked how strong your hands were.” He took a deep breath, his eyes flicking back to Benji’s face before once again dropping to his hands. “I liked how comforting it was. It was everything I’d needed it to be. I hadn’t felt that safe in years. I felt right.” He glanced back up at Benji, his face gone slack. “But I think that my favorite part is that it reminded me of how much taller I am than you.”

Benji rolled his eyes and pulled his hand from Victor’s grasp. He playfully shoved him back and scoffed. “You’re so annoying.” 

Victor smiled and roughly pulled Benji’s hand back into his. “I don’t know, though. I think I’d need a refresher.”

Benji’s eyes roamed over Victor’s face, and Victor watched him, watched as he calculated every tiny increment of movement, every touch, every placement. Benji leaned closer and, very, very gently, touched his lips to Victor’s. 

There was an explosion in Victor’s chest at the touch. Though the kiss was brief, Victor closed his eyes. But he’d barely had time to do that before Benji’s lips were gone. He wasn’t as far away as he was though. 

“Was that okay?” 

Victor nodded, breathless. Their lips had barely grazed, and yet Victor was left entirely useless. Oh, Benji very much had the power to ruin him, and Victor was pretty sure he knew that. This boy would be the death of him. 

“Definitely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe leave me some comments and spark some joy back in my life I quite literally need it to survive at this point


	17. Lavender Nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I am just so sorry. 
> 
> I love writing, I want to make a career out of writing, but i have been so mentally awful that I cannot physically bring myself to write anymore. it’s been so difficult to get out of bed and do things. I can’t remember the last time I actually did homework. I keep asking my teachers for extensions and then STILL not doing it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’ve been in a really bad place, but this needed to come out. I think a part of me needed to finish. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy, if you end up reading it. I love and adore you all, and I hope you had/are having a wonderful holiday, whether that was Hanukkah, Christmas, or Kwanzaa. And I hope you have a wonderful New Year. I’ll try to get another chapter out before the 31st, but I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you.
> 
> Love you guys. Sorry again. <<<<<<333333

“So, you only kissed  _ once _ ?” 

Victor sighed, exasperated. “Yes, Kim, we only kissed one time. I’m not quite out yet, you know.”

“But…” Kim shook their head. “He’s so perfect.”

Bram laughed. “Kim, leave the kid alone.”

Victor sighed wistfully. “He is perfect, isn’t he?”

Bram groaned. “Oh, my God!”

Simon snickered as he pulled into a driveway. They were in a nice suburban neighborhood, parked in the driveway of a beautiful two-story home. Victor had a feeling he was the only person of color aside from Bram within a three-mile radius. 

Everyone spilled from the car like they were coming home after a long day. Victor wished he could have that ease somewhere, but all he had was a cobweb-covered apartment and a half a dozen empty rooms with just as many broken hearts. 

Justin pulled Victor to the house by the hand, rambling about how nice the family was and how there was a daughter Victor’s age. Victor wanted to trust these guys, but he couldn’t help but question the integrity of their motives and ideas. He wasn’t really much for families anymore; he’d been tossed out by one too many. 

Justin let Victor’s hand go, running forward to greet the family as they came onto the porch. The five of them bled into the three, becoming one big group of eight, even with a dog bouncing around in excitement. Victor hung back, watching. 

He didn’t belong here. He should just go home, text Benji about the night. He could catch up on Stranger Things, maybe play more piano. He could go where he belonged; nowhere. 

There was nothing here for him. He couldn’t help anyone by being here; he’d only make things worse. He couldn’t be a part of a family now. He should just leave. He should just leave. 

Victor took a step backward. He’d head off, off to a place he used to call home, an empty apartment filled with the ghosts of his family’s love, the closest he’d ever get to the real thing again. He’d stop talking to the guys from New York, not because they did anything wrong, but because he wasn’t right. He wasn’t supposed to be a part of them. It was clear now; he was meant to be alone. 

He took another step back, stuffing his hands in his pockets and, strangely, he smiled. He finally understood his place again. He finally understood his relationship with everyone. He finally understood that the best way to make his friends happy was to leave them alone. This was the best thing for everyone. This was the best thing. This was best. 

He shoved down his tears and turned his back on the happy family. Time to go. 

He headed down the driveway, one foot in front of the other, closing door after door after door. Closing door after door after door. Closing door after door after—

“Victor!” 

Victor whirred around to find Simon jogging after him, his whole family gone quiet. They were muttering amongst themselves, watching, judging. Victor turned his gaze from them, a pang hitting his chest. There was nothing here for him. He should just leave. 

“Victor,” Simon breathed once he caught up to him, “where are you going?”

Victor shrugged, feigning nonchalance. “Home. If that’s even a place anymore.”

Simon furrowed his brows, seemingly betrayed. “Why?”

“Why?” Victor repeated, incredulous. “Simon, I shouldn’t be here. There is nothing for me here.”

“What about  _ us _ ?” Simon pressed. “We’re your family, Vic.”

Victor shook his head. “No, you’re not. I don’t have a family.”

Simon took a step back as if Victor had shoved him. “What do you mean? You have us. You have your siblings.” He wrapped a hand around Victor’s arm, holding him steady. “Just because your parents don’t accept you doesn’t mean you don’t have a family.”

Victor tore his arm from Simon’s grip. “Simon, don’t. Okay? I’m sick of pretending I’m happy when I’m not. It doesn’t matter anymore. I just… I wish I was straight.”

Simon shook his head. “No, you don’t. You wish you didn’t have feelings for Benji?”

“I—“

“You wish you didn’t meet us?”

“Simon—“

“You wish you didn’t go to New York?”

“ _ Stop— _ “

“You wish you were that  _ different _ ?”

“ _ Yes _ !” Victor shouted. 

Simon stared at him, shocked. “You don’t mean that.”

Victor scoffed. “You don’t know what I mean.”

The two stared at each other, and in Victor’s peripheral vision, he saw Simon’s mother come down to meet them at the end of the drive.  _ Oh, great _ . 

“Hi, Victor,” Mrs. Spier said, eyes bright with disgusting optimism. “I’m Emily.”

Victor nodded as politely as he could. “Hi, ma’am.”

Emily smiled at him. There was something in her face, like a balm for a sore muscle. “Why don’t you come inside? It’s getting late. We were gonna watch a movie. Simon said you liked pizza and  _ Space Odyssey. _ ”

Victor glanced uncomfortably between the two of them as if expecting a trap. It damn well felt like one. But, damn, if he wasn’t pulled in by the promise of weird sci-fi and greasy foods. 

“Fine. But only because I’m hungry.”

“Works for me,” Emily said with a smile. She wrapped an arm around Victor’s shoulders and led him inside. 

Already, there was something about the home that put Victor at ease. He wasn’t sure what it was. Maybe the lived-in qualities or possibly the signs that a real  _ family _ lived here, one who loved each other, who would live together and die together, because they cared about each other. They cared about their family. 

A follow-up question in Victor’s mind was exactly how far this family stretched among the people here. There were, of course, signs of the Spier’s all over the place, signs of Simon on the walls in picture frames and coats on hangers, signs of his sister and his parents in little decorations all over, a picture of the five of them with Bram magnetized to the fridge, papers littering the counter and rings of coffee on the front table. But, beyond that, were pieces of everyone else. There was a picture of Justin and Ivy on the wall right beside one of Simon, Bram, and his sister. There was a picture of Simon’s dad with Kim and Ivy, all of them sticking their tongues out at the camera. There was one of Simon’s sister and Bram, right beside one of her with Ivy and Justin. There was a picture of the five from New York in their apartment, except instead of the clutter Victor’d seen in New York, the place was filled with boxes and randomly placed furniture. Must have been moving day. 

But right among this clutter of pictures was a gold frame sitting on the table. Inside was a picture Victor had on his own phone; it was one of himself with the five of them in front of Messy Boots. He was wearing Simon’s jacket. 

He picked up the frame as if it was the most precious thing in the world, then turned to the family watching him with extreme trepidation. 

“Why do you have this?” He asked. He wasn’t mad, really, just confused, but the way it came out made it sound as if he was accusing them of the utmost betrayal. 

Emily shrugged. “We heard some of what you’re going through. You’re important to Simon, and you’re important to all of our kids, so you’re important to us.”

Victor stared at them. “But… you have your own family.” 

Simon’s father stepped forward carefully, as if trying not to spook a wild animal. Victor very well felt like one. “That may be true, but three years ago it was only four of us. Not too long ago, it was five. Then suddenly it was eight. Families change and grow. And you’re the type of person we want in our family.”

“Victor,” Justin said, “we know you haven’t had it easy. But this can be a reprieve. Just…” he waved his hands around a bit, as if reaching for a word. “Just give it a chance, Victor. Maybe this can help you.”

Victor shrugged and put the frame back on the table, faced down. “Maybe I can’t be helped.”

Emily exchanged a look with her husband. “Everyone, give us a moment,” she said, and she carefully guided Victor to the kitchen, Mr. Spier trailing along behind them. 

“Victor,” Emily said gently, “I understand what you’re going through. Maybe I can’t completely get it, but I understand that you’re hurt and you feel betrayed. And I don’t blame you.”

He shook his head and leaned against the counter. “I just don’t see the point now. I’ve done enough damage. I don’t want to hurt you all, too.”

“You could never,” Mr. Spier jumped in. “We want best for you. We want you to be able to come here whenever you need to. We want you to find a family with us.”

Victor stared at them both. “But you don’t know me.”

Emily shrugged with a smile. “We didn’t know Justin, but we took him in, too. Same with Ivy and Kim. We didn’t know them, but now they call us Mom and Dad.”

Victor shook his head and crossed his arms. “I’m not a stray.”

“No.” Emily agreed. “You’re not. But you can still stay here.”

Victor looked off for a while, staring at the tiles in the floor. He didn’t want a new family. He wanted his old family back. He wanted his own parents to love him again, he didn’t want some easy replacement trying to understand what they couldn’t. They could never replace his family. But then, his family would never love him again. 

But maybe he could have these people instead. 

He bit his lip, his resolve crumbling. “But what if I don’t fit?”

Emily smiled. “You already do.”

***

Simon pulled up to Victor’s, rolling to a stop. He turned to Victor with a smile. “So, did you have fun tonight?”

Victor nodded. “I did.”

Simon let out a breath. “Good. You ready to go back up there?”

Victor glanced up. “Yeah, I am.”

Simon pulled him into a tight hug. They held each other for a moment, stuck in the present. Finally, they pulled away, reluctant. 

“Be safe, okay?” Simon asked. 

Victor nodded. “I will. I’ll talk to you guys tomorrow,”

“I’ll look forward to it!” 

Victor headed upstairs to his apartment. He opened the door and nearly had a heart attack once he saw the figure sitting on the couch. 

“What the hell, Mom?” He shouted before he could stop himself. He winced at her raised brow and caught his breath. “Sorry. You scared me.” 

“Well, you scared me, too,” she told him. “A girl on my trip had to go home early.” She stood, going to the kitchen. “We all decided to come back with her.”

Victor watched her. “So, you’re home now?”

She nodded. “Sorry you didn’t get more time by yourself, Victor, I know you wanted the quiet.”

“I did. But it’s okay.” Truthfully, he didn’t want the quiet. He was relieved his mother was back. He was just disappointed she didn’t love him anymore. 

She patted his shoulder awkwardly. “I’m going to bed. Long day. Don’t stay up too late, alright?”

Victor nodded. Isabel made an aborted move to kiss his cheek, then made uncomfortable eye contact with him. Then, she walked away. 

Victor sagged onto the couch as his phone buzzed. 

**Benji, 7:26 P.M.: goodnight baby <3**

Victor contemplated what to say. He could tell Benji his mom was back. He could tell him about his wonderful night. He could tell him how perfect it was to see him that day, how wonderful that kiss was, as short as it had been, how he’d been replaying it in his head ever since, how much he’d been aching for more. 

**Victor, 7:27 P.M.: gn <3**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls leave some comments, they always make me happy


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